Sunday, November 24, 2013

thankful (twenty two - twenty four) + the true stories

these last three days have brought a lot to be grateful for, and so i am thankful for:

+++ a slow friday morning at home with malena before heading to the office
+++ spring rolls
+++ 90 minutes of massage bliss and time to just be still
+++ our house being full of family and the sounds of their laughter
+++ watching malena with her baby cousin and how gentle she is with him. it makes me so proud to see how caring she is, and in some ways a little bit of my heart aches as i still wish (and will always wish) that we could have given her a sibling. there are times when that pain rubs me more raw than others, and i never really know when it will come. but when it comes and the tears fall (like they do as i write this), i remind myself that i am so thankful that we had her when i was healthy, that she is healthy, and that is what matters the most. she gets to have all of my attention and time and love, and i know that is how it was meant to be. knowing that doesn't make it easy, but knowing that does make it easier on the days that are tougher than others.
+++ family celebrating malena turning 5, it seems like just yesterday we were all gathered to celebrate her turning 4. the time flies by so damn quickly.
+++ a great dinner hosted by my friend chris who gathered her closest for a thankful dinner, a lovely night surrounded by good people in a house full of love
+++ catch up time with my sister
+++ the sound of hearing baby footsteps around the house, and watching our little nephew master his stair climbing skills
+++ my mom's macaroni salad
+++ hershey's miniature dark chocolate bars when i needed just a little chocolate fix
+++ text messages that make me laugh
+++ sleeping in
+++ an extra campout night just because she wanted to
+++ being snuggled up with malena under my favorite blanket watching project runway and eating our popcorn
+++ watching malena play for two hours with her friends from school and seeing the relationships she has with them and how much fun they have playing together
+++ starbucks drive through for some hot green tea on a cold beautiful day
+++ my vitamix as i fired up a big green smoothie with dinner
+++ time to work in my craft room, one of my most favorite places in the world to be
+++ the moments when the one direction song that has been stuck in my head all weekend leaves my brain for a moment (stevie -- the story of my life....)

if you have been reading this blog for a while, you know that milestones are bittersweet for me. sweet in that i love celebrations and making the most out of the big and little moments in life. bitter in that at times milestones are a bit hard as i think about the future and whether i will be around for the milestones to come. the holidays tend to be a bit rough for me as well, don't get me wrong, i love every single second and am so thankful for this holiday season in particular. but, the truth is (and as my friend liz reminds me, it is ok to tell the true stories) this stretch of birthdays and holidays back to back is much harder for me this year due to the stage iv diagnosis. it has seemed to amplify the rough patches, the deep dark parts that nag at me with questions about the future. so these last couple of weeks have been interesting for me as i try to balance the joy with the reality of all of the other things that i am feeling. there have been a lot of tears, pretty much everyday for no specific reason at all. so i am going to enlist the help of my counselor to gives me some tools to work with to keep moving forward.

i share this not because i want or need any comforting or words of encouragement, it is really work that i need to do on my own. for myself. to keep moving forward the best possible way that i can. to get some thoughts out of my head, to make more space for all of the good that is to come in the next two months.

i share this because it is being honest, which is what i have always tried to be in this space. i am so thankful for the good scan results, and i say my thanks a million times over every single day. but it wouldn't be honest to make it seem like it isn't also tough to roll through this time of year with a stage iv diagnosis hanging over me. it wouldn't be honest to make it seem like i don't think about it every single day. it wouldn't be honest to make it seem like i don't think about whether i will be here for the birthdays and the holidays to come. it wouldn't be honest to make it seem like there aren't a lot of tears that i keep to myself. it wouldn't be honest to make it seem like life is easier than it is. that doesn't make it easier on me. that doesn't give you insight into the realities of how it feels to go through the holidays when you are so damn grateful and so damn scared at the same time.

so i am sharing the true story. i always have, and always will. sometimes the stories just take the right moment for me to feel like writing them out. for putting them out on the winds and hoping i feel lighter for sending them on their way.

so as this weekend draws to a close, i am thankful beyond words for all of the good things and people that were a part of making these last three days so great.

so as this weekend draws to a close, i take a deep breath and remind myself to take it day by day as another week begins.

that is just simply the best i can do. xo

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