Wednesday, January 29, 2014


the results are in!

my lungs were clear!!

there is a spot on my liver that they are pretty sure is just fatty tissue. it was on last scans too but they got a better shot of it this time. because of that, i will be back in three months for another full round of scans, including the full body radioactive pet scan. if that shows the spot on my liver (or anything else) may be cancer, then we would discuss next steps which could include surgery and/or treatment.

but for today, we are so happy and relieved with the overall good news.

now we are off to celebrate!

thanks for all of the love and prayers --- they worked!!;) xoxo

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

scan day

scan day. ugh.

we did have one new surprise today. instead of drinking contrast for an hour, i had to drink two bottles of water. the radiologist changed up the negative/positive contrasts. lucky for me because it is so much easier to drink two bottles of water than two bottles of contrast. i will make that trade any day.

the rest of the day was typical. it took them about 20 minutes to get my iv in, my veins were not cooperating. that was not a fun 20 minutes.

even though i didn't drink the contrast, i still felt like hell all afternoon. so clearly the contrast i get through my iv during my scan still packs enough punch to make my day unpleasant. bummer, i was kind of hoping that i wouldn't feel so awful but that was just not meant to be. as usual, i crashed hard right after i got home.

while we were waiting after the scans to make sure that i didn't have a reaction, we ate some awesome snacks that ellie brought. sitting next to us was an older lady who had also just got done with a test. when she got up to leave, she told me to keep f&kcing cancer, i told her to the same. i have to say that one of the parts of going in for scans that brings me comfort is the kindness in every patients eyes that quietly acknowledge that they know you are part of the same tribe, and that they wish they too were anywhere else but there.

on this tuesday that needed a lot of love, we also got some good news. beth's radiologist confirmed that the tumor has not spread. that is the best news that could have come from the ultrasound so i am so thankful. beth has an important oncology appointment tomorrow to learn more about her treatment before and after scans, so please send her lots of love as she gets more answers. mary's surgery is now scheduled for february 11th. i told her that is the exact same day last year that i had surgery, and we got all of the melonoma in that one, and i know that her surgery will have the same results. mary sara's cousin's surgery also went well today and she was doing good in recovery. clearly, all of your love, mojo, and prayers worked their magic today and so i thank you.

it is now 11:44pm (i know stevie, past my bedtime but i am sure you understand). i am tired but don't feel like going to bed. the nightmares have been brutal and so i never like to try and sleep because i am afraid of what the night will bring. i am also scared more than you can imagine about what tomorrow will bring.

but tomorrow at 9:30 will come, whether i like it or not. the best i can do is hope and pray and believe that we will get good results.

so that is what i will be doing between now and then.


i know that you are all doing the same and i love you for that.

here we go again.

anywhere i go, you go. xo

Monday, January 27, 2014

storms + a tuesday that needs a lot of love

"whether or not storms come, we cannot choose.
but where we stare during a storm, that we can."
(max lucado)
well, here we go again.
i check in at seattle cancer care alliance tomorrow at 8:15 for the drill. we all know how it goes. needles. bloodwork. iv. saline. contrast. scans. more contrast. recovery for thirty minutes. head home. lay in bed and feel like complete crap all afternoon. ugh. results are wednesday morning at 9:30.
i am the usual mess of emotions. scared out of my mind. feel like i could cry at anything and everything. super anxious. can't sit still. exhausted. don't want to go to sleep because the nightmares have come back into town. all of the usual hell that i go through when these days roll back around.
tomorrow is also a day that others that i care about need some love, prayers, and mojo too.
mary is meeting with the surgeon tomorrow to determine timing and next steps for removing the melanoma tumors from her leg. so we need to send a lot of love to wisconsin as mary continues her journey to get rid of the black beast for the fifth time in that leg.
in seattle, beth is going to have another ultrasound to get a better idea of what she will be facing. so as she goes in for yet another test in the neverending series that comes with the diagnosis, please send her love, mojo, and prayers. i always hoped that my diagnosis was the fates way of telling me that i was going to take one for my team so that no one that i loved had to go through what i have had to. so to see beth go through the types of decisions, the ones you never wanted or thought you would have to make, that cancer deals you really makes me angry at the fates. but i know that no matter what the fates throw at her, she will fight like hell. i only have fighters on my team, so that pretty much goes without saying.
my friend mary sara's cousin is going in tomorrow for colon cancer surgery, and she is asking for prayers. so please send them out along the winds so that they reach her and her family tomorrow.
tomorrow my friend sharon goes in for her bloodwork to check her tumor markers, and her results come back next tuesday. sharon is a serious fighter and doesn't listen to cancer so i know that this round of bloodwork is going to come back clean and she will continue to do great.
my friend mike has just started his 6th round of chemotherapy for his lymphoma, and so he too can use a ton of prayers as he continues his fight against the "devil" (which is a name that i also think is pretty fitting for cancer).
so on this tuesday, there are a lot of us that need love, prayers and mojo. that is for sure. i can't tell you how much i wish that tomorrow was a tuesday when no one had scans, bloodwork, surgeries, appointments, chemotherapy, ultrasounds. but in order for that to happen there would have to be no more cancer.
i don't think that i could dream of a better day than what that day would like.
thanks for all of the love and support tomorrow on behalf of myself, mary, beth, mary sara, sharon, and mike. i know that i speak for all of us when i say that we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
i hope that you will do something fun this tuesday just because you can.
just because you can spend your day however you choose.
make it a good great one.
that would make me so, so happy.

anywhere i go, you go. xo
ps) auntie carolyn - thank you for the card, and as you can tell above, i loved the quote. xo

Sunday, January 26, 2014

grammy night

i am watching the grammy awards as  i write this.

it is amazing how certain moments are forever imprinted in my memories.

last year, the grammys were on the night before my surgery.

i can remember that night like it was yesterday.

barrett, malena & i were sitting on the couch. malena was playing games on barrett's kindle.

my mom was sitting on the loveseat. she was looking at magazines and watching the show.

my dad was sitting in the recliner. he was reading the paper and watching the show.

we were all listening to the amazing music.

i was sending emails and text messages out to friends and family to let them know that barrett would let them know how surgery went and when i was in recovery.

i remember not wanting to go to sleep because i didn't want monday to come and was afraid the dark would bring nightmares. i was so very anxious, and now i know that i was so right to be so damn scared.

but if i could whisper something now to that girl who listened to the music and didn't want to face what was to come, i would  quietly tell her this.

you will still be able to hear the music.

you will just need to keep listening. and fighting. and believing.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

around here

around here in the last week i have been working crazy hours at work so that i could take this entire next week off. 10-12 hour work days make for long days, and no energy at the end of the day (hence not much time in this space over the last week). i promised myself the last time i had scans and took the entire week off that i will always do the same. it is a huge relief to feel like the only thing that i have to focus on this next week is our family and whatever comes our way.

around here i got to have dinner with these two lovely ladies (hi hannah and briel - xo) that i met at the your story retreat last year. hannah has her own etsy shop where she has adorable hats that she makes, so if you are looking for an awesome hat made by an awesome person, check out hannah makes hats. there are still some spots open for the your story retreat 2014 (which i am already signed up for and so excited about), if you are interested check out all the information here. if you have been reading this blog long enough, you know that there are not enough words to say how much i loved my experience there last year.

around here we had a girls night with dinner and two hours of painting at our favorite pottery shop. i loved every second of it.

around here we have had popcorn, fruit smoothies, and a friday night campout.

around here we have had fun at chuck e cheese, played games, laughed, and enjoyed our saturday afternoon.

around here we have had our weekly friday morning starbucks date. we are now regulars, and i kind of love that.

around here we watched malena swim three sets of laps down the huge pool in her swim lessons. she is rocking her lessons. i love to watch her swim.

around here i saw these quotes and liked them. a lot.

around here i may, or may not, be thinking that i can't live without some of these ann-marie loves stamps. ok, i think that we all know that i may be thinking that i can't live without them.

around here i am, as always, a sucker for awesome lists. this week i was loving this one from elise blaha and this one from kelly rae roberts

around here i loved sleeping in on saturday morning, and i might have loved my saturday afternoon nap too. ok, we all know that i loved my nap.

around here i am loving watching malena design and draw clothes on her sketch book as we watch project runway.

around here i am not sure if i want time to speed up if this week will bring good news, or slow down if this will week will bring bad news.

around here i believe that it will bring good news.

around here that is harder to do than you can imagine.

Monday, January 20, 2014

good times + good news

this weekend we headed to suncadia for some fun, and we got exactly what we were looking for. it was great to have so much joy packed into such a short amount of time. s'mores by the fire on a beautiful night. sleeping in. blueberry pancakes for breakfast. ice skating (pretty sure that i am going to be on the olympic team in no time). tubing down a very fast sledding hill. swimming. hot tub. great spaghetti dinner. bounce houses. playing supersized connect four (and winning, don't ask barrett, but i am pretty sure that i won two and he won none - just sayin'). second round of s'mores by the campfire. egg breakfast with fruit and awesome cinnamon raisin toast. some more quick runs down the tubing hill. tons of laughter. amazing how much fun can get packed into a weekend when the only thing on your to do list is to have fun. loved it. a million new memories in the books, my most favorite part.

the last few days have also brought some good great news.
mary got confirmation on friday that she will not need to begin treatment in addition to surgery, yes!!! so she will meet with the surgeon soon to get the planning underway. i know that all of the happy mail we are going to send her will help keep that good mojo going her way.
jennifer got confirmation today that her biopsies came back clean, woohoo!!!! so, so happy about that.
i think that 2014 took my last letter pretty seriously and is starting to turn things around, i knew that we would get on the same page.
happy tuesday peeps, may it bring you some fun and good news of your own. xo

Thursday, January 16, 2014

dear 2014 (part iii)

dear 2014,

you and i are off to a rocky start for a couple of reasons. apparently, my previous letters to you were not clear enough, so let me get really specific to avoid any further confusion.

i don't want you to allow cancer to mess with any of my friends within your 365 days. period. you have allowed cancer to mess with mary. you have allowed cancer to mess with beth. you had jennifer do biopsies today, and now we wait on results (which i am pretty sure you know that i hate, but i am also pretty sure the results won't include the word cancer). none of it is ok. not by a long shot.

i am not sure what you are trying to prove. fear. anxiety. stress. tears. heartache. just to name a few. yes, you are proving those in spades.

but i feel like since we are only sixteen days in to the start of you, i need to give you the benefit of the doubt. which is very hard, because you scare the absolute shit out of me, even more than you did on day one (i think you would agree that you have given me every reason to not trust you so far).

but deep deep deep down, i believe.

i promised myself that i would.

so here i go.

i believe that you are going to get mary, beth, and jennifer through whatever is going to come their way next.

i believe that mary and beth are going to kick cancer's ass, and that jennifer is going to scare cancer so bad that it doesn't even try to show up in those biopsy results.

i believe that they will be surrounded by a lot of love, prayers, and mojo no matter what comes.

i believe that good people will rally and show them that they are supported.

i believe that they will be stronger in ways that they don't even know yet is possible.

i believe that compared to every hard thing you throw at those that i love, there will be even more good things to come their way.

i believe that in the end, you will have been a year that will forever change lives.

but i also believe, that in the end, love wins.

with all due respect 2014, not even you can change that.



Wednesday, January 15, 2014

tomorrow (for jennifer)

so tomorrow our friend jennifer goes in for her next round of appointments.

so tomorrow is going to be a good day. there is just no other option.

so tomorrow has to be one of those days where cancer packs up its bags and gets the hell out of seattle before she even gets to town.

so tomorrow there will no need to mention the word "cancer" in her appointments unless it is preceeded by the words "no signs of".

so tomorrow will be a day when i breathe a big sigh of relief because she will get the news we are all hoping for.

so tomorrow is a day when you need to send your mojo, love, and prayers to jennifer and mike so that they can carry it with them into the appointments.

so tomorrow, i know you have it in you.

don't let me down thursday. we are counting on you.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

two weeks

two weeks from today is scan day. again. damn, these three months have gone fast, but i knew they would with the holidays falling in the middle month.

so right on cue, my stress level is up, my patience level is low, tears fall for any and no reason, and i spiral into my typical process of beating the hell out of myself mentally. for all of the things that i didn't do these last three months. the pictures i didn't get into albums. the juices i didn't drink. the green smoothies i didn't make. the vitamins i didn't remember to take. the runs i didn't do. the jumps i didn't jump. the books i didn't read. the cards i didn't send. the letters i didn't write. the list goes on and the guilt stacks up to the tipping point.

but then there will be the inevitable moment like tonight when i will kick my own ass for being so tough on myself. i will remember all of the juices i made. the green smoothies i whipped up. the pictures i took. the vitamins i swallowed. the runs i got in. the jumps i jumped. the books i did read. the cards i sent. the hugs i gave. the i love you's i said. the smiles. the laughs. all of the million of big and small moments that i lived in the last three months.

i will remind myself that it is ok to live, and not have every single moment be about kicking cancer's ass. kicking cancer's ass is obviously the goal, but sometimes it doesn't allow me to mentally be focused on the land of the living. and so there are times that i choose (sometimes without really thinking about it, other times with intentionally thinking about it) to not do things that make me think of melanoma. and that is ok. in fact, that is better than ok - that is living in a way that allows cancer to be part of my life, but not all of my life.

so tonight as my patience was scrapping hard against the floor, my attitude sucked in a big way, malena was in tears for her own reasons, i was in tears for my own reasons, i took a deep breath. i reminded myself to be brave. i reminded myself to believe that i can get through these next couple of weeks. i always get through them. this time will be no different.

i took that breath. i regrouped. i decided to take a detour, geographically and mentally. malena and i wiped the tears and headed to the book store. i wanted to check out a book that my mom told me about as i was driving home today. the book is find it in everything by drew barrymore. as soon as i opened it, i knew that i was meant to come across this book today (thanks mom). it reminded me of what i already know.

love is always there.

somedays it is just a little bit harder to see.

+++ Hhubb838 - let me know how to get you the info for the happy mail campaign:)
+++ i thought that this "dear daddy in seat 16c" post was a great reminder of the kindness of the human spirit among strangers. love is always there.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

keep the mojo going + polar plunge

we need to keep the mojo going to beth and mary, but the mojo is working as there has been good news that has come out of the bad. for that i am thankful.

mary developed a third lump in her leg, and so her oncologist pushed up her pet scan from the 17th to the end of last week. the pet scan showed that the melanoma has not spread to her major organs which is great news, huge relief. so she will be meeting with a doctor in chicago to see what the next steps are in terms of surgery on her leg. so we need to keep the magic going as she continues on this latest part of her journey with melanoma. i sent mary a shirt this week that said "i am going to kick cancer's ass" - might be a good one for her to wear to chicago;) thanks also to all of you that have signed up for the happy mail for mary campaign, you all rock. if anyone still wants to sign up, you can sign up anytime:)

beth got good news this week too on friday. on friday she got confirmation when we met with her surgeon that the cancer has not spread -- which was awesome news, so relieved about that. i was honored to spend friday with beth and her mom while she had tests and got results. i wish we would have been anywhere else, but if that is where beth had to be, then that is where i wanted to be. so in the next couple of weeks beth will begin treatment and then surgery will follow, with some further treatment to come after that. so we need to keep tons of mojo and prayers going to beth as she continues to start down this path that no one ever wants to be on. but like mary, i know that she is going to kick cancer's ass and is ready to fight. in fact, i am pretty sure that i saw some boxing gloves in her purse on friday. i think that her mom had a matching set in her bag as well. cancer better not mess with the two of them or it will gets its you-know-what knocked out cold.

i will continue to keep you all posted on mary and beth as there are updates to share.

chase's family is going to be participating in a polar plunge to raise money for special olympics. i am all for raising money for good causes, and i think that chris's words (chase's dad) describe perfectly why this is so important to them this year. so i will let you read his words for yourself.

"Bring It!!
:) Well, its official! We are signed up for the Polar Plunge on Feb 15th. We have a team put together -"Chasers Warriors", and there is room for more. So I swore the last couple of years during this event that I would NEVER do it and this year I have had a change of heart. I have been asked by a couple of people, why the polar plunge? Do you think Chase is going to go to the Special Olympics someday?- Heres the deal- this event has nothing to do with Chase- its much bigger than that. 100% of the proceeds go to the Special Olympics. One of the countless things that Lisa and I have learned from this accident is to appreciate what you have, and appreciate those around you. If you would have asked me a year ago what the Special Olympics was all about, I would have given you a completely different answer. But now I know, that is about goals and accomplishments. It is about families that have been given extra challenges and have pressed on. it is about children who have been looked at different and felt different - and this is their time to shine, and feel good about all their hard work- and this is for those parents out there that wanted nothing more that for their children to live a good, happy life- simply put.....It is about the Human Spirit ---- and that is why we are doing this!

Here is a link to our team page to donate - it is a one time donation, and you can give as little as $1 - and as much as you want - you can even do it anonymously . Please do not feel obligated to donate- but I am hoping that we completely BLOW OUT our team goal and make this year special for those families out there that need the help.

God is Good!"

i hope that you all had a great weekend, and that you made the most of it. i hope that your weeks gets off to a good start. may this week bring you some moments to help you remember how life can continue to bring special moments, even during the times when everything seems to be going wrong. xoxo

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

the call (for beth)

why me?

i remember thinking that on the day that i got my cancer diagnosis, and i have probably thought that a million times since. i still don't know the answer, and in my heart, i know that i never will. but that doesn't mean that i don't still keep asking the question. there are times that i wonder if it is because i was meant to share my story so that others would have a window into a life shared with cancer -- the insider's perspective on what it is really like. there are times that i wonder if it is because i was meant to be able to provide support in a way that i would not have otherwise been able to when cancer enters the lives of those that i love. maybe it is neither of those reasons. maybe it is both of them. maybe it is somewhere in between.

but on this day, january 8th at 6:32pm, i think that i knew a very important reason why.

at 6:32pm, i talked to my friend beth who told me that she was diagnosed with cancer today. and at 6:32pm, the world stopped turning as i heard her says those words within the first two seconds of answering the phone. i will never forget that moment. ever. it is the moment when as someone who has gone through cancer, your heart stops beating. the thing that you have wished for every moment since your own diagnosis, that those you love won't be touched by cancer, has not come true for someone that you love dearly. you curse the fates, and you take a deep breath.

then you do what has to come next. you say and talk about the words that follow the diagnosis. scans. results. oncologist. surgeon. treatment. unknowns. all of the words that always follow the word diagnosis. and you say the most important words. i love you. you can do this. you are not alone.

but here is also what i knew at 6:32pm as soon as i heard the word cancer. that no matter what comes, beth is going to kick cancer's ass. she will make it wish that it had never messed with her. she will do whatever this takes. period. i know that there is no other option.

so i ask you to send your prayers, mojo, and good vibes to beth tomorrow as she goes in for her scans at 11:30. these will answer the unknowns and lead to a better understanding of what comes next. she wants to know that she is carrying all of you with her tomorrow as she goes into her appointment, so start sending the love her way. beth and i both thank you.

maybe every moment since july 16th, 2010 led to the call i got today at 6:32pm.

so i could say to the voice on the other end of the line, i know. i know.

although what i really wish is that neither of us had to know.

send your love tomorrow and for the days to come, i so wish i knew what they will hold. xo

important sidenote:
+++ 2014 --- you are officially on my shit list, 8 days in and you are brutal.

Monday, January 6, 2014


i am not making any resolutions this year. i have my hands full with focusing on believing.

but one of the things that i am going to work on is putting my phone down more than i already do. i try hard to not be focused on my phone, but i can be better.  i can always be better. there is no doubt that about.

today i read this amazing post by ali edwards and it could not have been more perfect timing.

the neverending to do list. the emails. the texts. the messages. the posts. the laundry. the dishes. the bills.

they can all wait. the special moments with those i love do not.

if anyone knows that, i certainly do.

ps) mama steg -- let me know how i can get in touch with you to give you the happy mail info. xo

Sunday, January 5, 2014



every year i pick a word to focus on for the year.


my word for 2014.

in 2013, my word at the start of the year was document because i wanted to focus on taking and documenting our pictures. with the stage iv diagnosis in february, the word quickly changed to brave and i held that word so tight all year long. i still need brave, don't get me wrong. i think that i use brave every single day in one way or another. i will always continue to lean on and need brave, but this year i also really need believe.

i need to believe that 2014 will bring me 365 days.

i need to believe that 2014 will bring me healthy days.

i need to believe that my scans are going to come back clean in january, and that there will be no spots on my lungs, and my ovary won't have enlarged so that we don't have to worry that there is something else going wrong.

i need to believe that i can beat stage iv cancer.

i need to believe that i am going to get to watch my daughter grow up.

i need to believe that i am going to get grow old with my husband.

i need to believe that i am going to celebrate my 40th birthday, and many more after that.

i need to believe that i will continue to fight like hell no matter what comes my way.

i need to believe.

+++ thank you to everyone that has already signed up for the happy mail for mary campaign that i wrote about on friday. you all rock and i thank you:) for those of you that want to join in, just get in touch with me and i will give you the details. i have to say that people sending out a little happy mail to someone they don't know, simply because they know that person could use a little happiness, is one of the coolest things i know of. as someone who has received happy mail from people that i don't know, i can attest to how amazing it is to open your mailbox and see a name and address you don't recognize. but in that moment you know that they are sending you good vibes from their little corner of the world. and you feel a little less alone in your fight against cancer. it is amazing what some mail can do. so if you like sending some positive vibes out into the world, you are the perfect person to send mary some happy mail. i am looking forward to all of the love that is going to be sent mary's way (and i know already that mary is too;)).
+++ if you love the artwork i am holding in the picture as much as i do, you need to be introduced to one my favorite artists (and my friend -- lucky me) kelly barton by checking out her awesome etsy shop
+++ if you would love a piece of jewelry with your word of the year on it, you need to be introduced to one of my favorite artists (and my friend -- lucky me) liz lamoreux by checking out her awesome etsy shop
+++ if you would love an on-line workshop to help you continue to focus on your word throughout the year,  you need to sign up for ali edward's one little word workshop

Thursday, January 2, 2014

dear 2014, part ii (for mary)

dear 2014,

i realized today that i didn't include all of the key points in my letter to you yesterday.

here is the one major key point that i inadvertently left out. you need to stay the hell away from my friends with melanoma. period. don't bother them, don't scare them, don't make them worry about you more than they already do. are we clear?

if we are clear (which i know that we are), you can imagine my disappointment in you today when i found out that you have been messing with my friend mary. the fact that you would allow melanoma to show up again in her leg with lumps is absolutely not ok. the fact that you will require her to have a PET scan on the 17th to see if the melanoma is anywhere else is not ok. the fact that you will likely require her to have her fifth surgery in five years is not ok. the fact that treatment may have to be something that becomes a reality for her is not ok. all of it. not ok. by a long shot.

so, since you have already allowed melanoma in to her leg, let me know make something absolutely clear to you. that is it, no more. you will give her the all clear for everything else on the 17th so that her leg is the one focus. you will allow this to be done through surgery (which isn't a great option, but we will take it over the other options) and then she will move on and continue kicking melanoma's ass. got it? i know you do.

to combat your unexcusable behavior, i am going to spread a little kindness mary's way. yep, i am launching a happy mail campaign for mary. you and your mean ways of allowing melanoma back into her life (not like it isn't there every single day in her thoughts regardless) can suck it. big time. we are going to send so much positive love to mary that there is no way you are going to be do anything but follow my orders (please reference second paragraph above). to use one of my new favorite terms, we are going to unicorn the hell out of this melanoma experience and show it we mean business (josh/jill - i know this is your favorite sentence of this entire blog because i used the word unicorn;))

so, get ready 2014, mary is going to kick melanoma's ass and we are going to help her do it. did i mention that you can suck it? (of course, when i say suck it, i mean that in the nicest possible way).

glad that we had this chat 2014, i feel like there were things left unsaid in my letter yesterday. but now i feel like we are on the same page. right? right.

no more melanoma scares please, it is only january 2nd, and we are already over it.

love, me

+++ peeps -- if you would like to be part of the happy mail for mary campaign, here is how it works. i will assign you one week, and you will send mary some fun mail (a card to make her laugh, a card to cheer her on, the winning mega-millions lottery ticket, etc.). all you need to is send one piece of happy mail the week you are assigned to. so, if you are interested, leave a comment on the blog, text me, email me, message me, send me smoke signals -- and i will be in touch with her address info. we will send happy mail until she kicks melanoma's ass which i know she will do asap. tnx. xo
+++ peeps -- here is a great update on chaser and the work he was going doing today:

Back to the Grind :) 

For most of us it was time to get back to work today, and Chaser was no exception! He went back to therapy and school today after a week and a half off. Mom shot some video of him pushing the hanging bolster in PT- you did us proud buddy! (I posted it on his Facebook page ... ) He was one little tired boy today when I got home from work, and I don't blame him. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers- We appreciate all of the support!
God is Good!
+++ peeps -- patty had a good day today and kerry and bentley got to spend some very special time with her. please continue to send patty and their entire family a lot of prayers and love.
+++ peeps - i also want to share the good news and latest updates on my friend mike who is doing well with his chemo treatment and got good news from his last scans. please continue to send him lots of prayers and love.

Round # 5 of Chemo is here

Written Dec 29, 2013 8:53pm
Today is Dec. 29 and I had Round # 5 of my chemo on Friday, Dec. 27. This is only day two of the first week, and it is not possible to predict how the three weeks after Round # 5 will go. As now scheduled, I will have my sixth and final round of chemo on Jan. 17. Sometime after that they will give me another PET/Scan and withdraw bone marrow again from my hip. These diagnostic tests will let my oncologist draw conclusions about this treatment. So by sometime in early Feb. at the latest, I should have a better idea about the future.
Please continue the prayers, not only for me, but for all of the sick throughout the world. May you and your families have a Happy and Blessed New Year!

Good news!

Written Dec 21, 2013 9:03am
Dec. 21, 2013
Late this past week I learned that the CT Scan that was taken of my neck on Dec. 13 shows no signs of tumors or any "mass", so my neck is clear of any cancer now! The next milestone test will be to tap my bone marrow again after round # 6 of the chemo and see if there is any cancer in my bone marrow. We will wait and pray for that to happen in Jan. 2014.
Many people do not have the good news that I am sharing with all of you today. I am convinced that the prayers of so many of you have contributed to this outcome. Thank you so much!
I hope that the research that continues will provide a positive outcome for many more cancer patients in the future. So, let us also remember all of the cancer patients who are warriors and all of the doctors and scientists that are cancer warriors and pray for them, especially over this holiday season.

+++ peeps -- have a great weekend, make the first weekend of 2014 a good one. xo
+++ kim chase -- congrats on being a grandma this year, that is awesome;) so happy for you guys! xoxo

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

dear 2014

dear 2014,

well, here you are. no matter how much i hoped that you would take a little bit longer to get here, you are here nonetheless. so the best that i can do is embrace you and hope that you are good to me.

as you probably already know from your friend 2013, you scare me to my absolute core. i am just going to be completely honest. i have been absolutely petrified of you coming for a long time now, you are a really hard year for me to even begin to feel comfortable with. i wouldn't normally lay all of my cards on the table like this, but i think that you already know how i feel about you.

you are going to bring scan results this month (yes, it is already that month again -ugh) that will set the tone for the rest of my time with you. if you give me good scan results, my oncologist will probably tell me that i don't need to have scans again for another six months. if we get those results, that will be an interesting dilemna. as much as i would love to have six months off and get out of the three month scan rotation which is so mentally brutal on me, i don't know that i could let go of not knowing for six months. a lot can go wrong in six months, and my absolute worst nightmare is that something goes wrong and we don't know about it soon enough to be aggressive and attack it as soon as possible. so the jury is still out for me on what we will do with the good news, but i look forward to the opportunity to make that decision. please, please, please - don't take that opportunity away from me. i am begging you.

if you bring those good results, and i go for the six months, that would mean that potentially with all good news, we would only go through scans twice in your year. that seems too good to be true. i know that is a possibility, it just seems so far out of my grasp as i write this.

if you don't bring good results in january, you will again turn our world upside down. the truth is, i try hard to not spend much timing thinking about that outcome. because you and i both know that i really can't even go there because the thoughts paralyze me.

i also know that you will bring me a ton of joy. more time with malena and barrett. more time with my family and friends. more laughter. more hugs. more i love you's. more celebrations. more milestones. weddings. babies being born. college graduations. just more of all of the good stuff. and i already love you for that.

i am counting on you to bring great trips to suncadia, gearheart, disneyland, minnesota, spokane, maybe new york again if i am lucky. i am excited for the trips to come that i don't even know you have up your sleeve.

i am planning on you bringing me time to be in my craft room, to make cards to send happy mail, to document our lives through pictures. i am also planning on you bringing me time to sit on my dream couch and dream.

i intend to check a couple more things off of the bucket list -  you will just have to come along with me to see what i have in mind.

all in all 2014, i do hold a lot of hope for you. i know that regardless of what you bring into my life related to cancer, you will bring me a million more memories and a ton of love. i also that know that regardless of what you bring related to cancer, i will be surrounded by more love than i can imagine from family and friends - and in the darkest moments of worry that i have about you, that brings me comfort. whatever you throw at me, i won't have to go through it alone. that is one thing that you can't take away from me.

i hope that you bring me 365 days. i hope beyond hope that you bring me healthy days. i know that you are just getting to know me, but i really deserve it. you can ask 2013, she put me through the ringer and i am pretty sure that she would tell you that i deserve a break. nothing would make me happier than to write you a letter on december 31st thanking you for all of the good things that you brought to my life. wouldn't you love to get a little happy mail on your last day?

i promise you that i will love wholeheartedly, that i will show up for those that i love, that i will do my best to make the world a little better each day.

i will give you the best of everything i have. i promise.

i only ask that you promise to do the same.

love, me