Sunday, November 29, 2015

the shit and the joy

it sometimes feels like we can never get a break.

this last week has been mixed with many emotions, kind of like the movie "inside out", i have been feeling all the feelings (anger, sadness, joy, fear, etc.).

our holiday on thursday was really good, and we had a great time watching the apple cup (i am neither a cougar or a husky so i just watch the two sides of my family cheer on their respective teams). on friday night we had a family party for malena's birthday. just moments after everyone finished eating their cake, my grandma had a stroke while sitting at my parent's dining room table. it was probably one of the scariest things i have ever seen. as i made the call to 911, i felt like a combination of a 40 year old woman who was communicating the needed info to the dispatcher and a young kid looking at her grandma who knew she would never forget what her grandma looked like in that moment. she was eventually released late saturday, and we will see what the future continues to hold.

as we were sitting with her in the hospital, i was thinking about how quickly life changes. in one moment i was watching my daughter blow out the candles on her cake, and in the next moment i was calling 911 and was not sure if my grandma was going to make it.

the joy and the shit.

this week will bring more of both. there are fun things planned throughout the week. there is also a full body pet scan on wednesday that will be long and will make me really sick. pending those results (which are hopefully that my lung is the only issue) i will either go straight into the appointment with my surgeon next week (if only my lung) or back to my oncologist (if not only my lung). i never really "hope" to meet with surgeons, but in this case, that appointment happening next week means that it is only my lung we have to deal with, and in the current situation, that is about as good of news as we can get.

in the ironic twist of fate that is cancer, my dear friend beth goes in for her 6 month scans on wednesday as well. we will be at two different facilities otherwise we would be able to give each other a hug on our way in and out of our tests. beth will get her results on friday, and of course, i know that they are going to be good and fully clear. since i am going to now be taking another round for the team, the cancer fates better not touch her or all kinds of hell are going to break lose around here.

so please send beth and i your prayers, vibes and mojo - and send some to my family and grandma as well. we need them all the way around this week.

i hope that your holiday was full of joy, rest, naps, solo time -- whatever it was that you hoped this holiday weekend would bring your way. i hope it brought what you were hoping for and more.

another week begins, one that holds moments of joy, and moments of dread. but life is pretty much always like that, it is just that sometimes you can see what is coming with a little more clarity.

happy monday peeps. here we go.

Friday, November 20, 2015

next steps

we have some timing for the next steps.

i will have my full body scan on 12/2.

we will meet with the surgeon on 12/9.

the caveat to that being if the scan shows that my lung is not the only area we have to be concerned about, then i will meet with my oncologist again because that will likely change what our next steps may look like.

i am still pretty numb from the news on wednesday, and am really just trying to put one foot in front of the other and breathe.

it has hard to get your bearings when you simultaneously feel like curling up in a ball and crying your eyes out, cursing at the fates, throwing anything and everything you can get your hands on because you are so angry, being really sad, feeling beyond scared, having constant nausea -- all the while trying to keep moving forward. because life goes on, even in the wake of really shitty news, life has to go on.

today my girl turns 7.

and i will put all of those other feelings aside to focus on that and celebrate her and this day.

this is her day, and i am super thankful to be here to celebrate it with her.

i hope that you all have a really good weekend.

do something fun. laugh. hug someone. call someone. or just give yourself a hug, you did make it to friday after all.


Wednesday, November 18, 2015


i am going to keep this short and will write more later when i can catch my breath.

there is a spot on my left lung that has grown.

i will do a pet scan in two weeks and will then meet with the surgeon to talk about whether we can get it out if i go through another surgery.

we will determine next steps following that appointment.

keep sending your love, prayers and mojo - we are going to continue to need it. xo

Monday, November 16, 2015

long day

today was a long one.

it took my first nurse about 20 minutes, both arms, and she could not get the iv in. she did my least favorite tactic of trying to move the needle around in my arm to get the vein to cooperate. it did not cooperate. i tried to be patient because i could tell she was nervous, relatively new, and that she too was wishing she could get it in. a second nurse eventually came over and finally the iv got in.

when they injected the contrast in my iv for the ct scan, i felt a huge wave of nausea and had to take some deep breaths because i thought that i was going to get sick in the machine. but the wave passed by and i was able to recover.

following that i got to have snacks with barrett and ellie. as usual, ellie knocked it out of the park with snacks - so good. i pretty much devoured everything in my sight as i was really hungry and it felt like the food was helping to keep the nausea at bay.

next up was my brain mri. best part of that was that there were different ceiling tiles in that room which had palm trees on them, and for a brief second, i thought about hawaii and not being that room. i was in the mri machine for 30 minutes, that machine is so small and the noises are so damn loud that it is like a total assault on your senses.

and i got more contrast injected into my iv for the second time.

no rest for the weary.

by the time we got home, i was feeling miserable and went directly to bed.

finally got some good sleep for a couple of hours, and have been spending the evening with my family and quality time on my couch with my favorite blanket. kind of like linus from charlie brown.

heading back to bed again, hoping that i wake up feeling better in the morning.

results come on wednesday morning at 9am.

thanks for all of the vibes, prayers, and love.


Sunday, November 15, 2015

damn it, here we go again

10:30am check in.

scans up first.

ivs. contrast. you know the drill.

after that, brain mri.

i really hate the jackhammering noise that comes from the mri machine.

you know how i feel about seeing those ceiling tiles. again.

i have been quiet in this space in the last week for a couple of reasons.

i just didn't feel like i had too much to say, except the obvious.

work has kicked me up one side and down the other this week. including 16 hours of it this weekend. which in some ways is good because it has kept my i-can't-sit-still-for-one-second-pre-scan-mania to be kept busy, but in some ways not good because it left me no time to  breathe and i am feeling so beyond exhausted and i have a really long week ahead.

was that just the longest sentence you have ever read? probably.

i really appreciate all of the love, mojo, vibes, prayers and any good karma you are sending our way.

we need it. we always do.

anywhere i go, you go.

i just really wish we had other places to go on this particular monday.


Sunday, November 8, 2015

a week out

we are one week out from scans.

i got my bag of cinnamon bears today.

my regular routine around scans is going to be shaken up quite a bit this time around for a couple of different reasons.

i am trying my best to not let that rattle me too much.

after all, barrett's birthday is the day in between scans and results, so that can only bring us good luck. right? right.

the final week countdown begins. here we go.

if you need a laugh, like i need a laugh, you should check out this jimmy fallon video. (thanks hooch:))

happy monday peeps, here we go again.

Monday, November 2, 2015

part ii, empathy cards

emily mcdowell has released 7 more empathy cards.

just like the first ones, they are pretty much the perfect cards for people affected by cancer.

you can check out the new cards here.

i am so thankful that these cards exist.

they will make a difference.

that i know for sure.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

hello november

the last week of october was full of goodness.

celebrating a good friend's 50th birthday. lunch with one of my favorite people. a harvest party at malena's school. carving pumpkins. celebrating my mom's birthday. birthday parties for kids. lots of laughing. watching my little koala go trick or treating. maybe eating a mini bag or two of candy. maybe drinking a cider or two. just maybe.

november rolls in.

this month will bring many good things. my daughter turning 7. my husband turning 38. more birthdays. time with friends. time with family. a trip to my favorite spot. dinners. thanksgiving. pecan pie. a cooking class. teaching art to malena's class. camp outs. swim lessons. so many good things.

i am going to do my best to focus on those good things this month as the countdown begins.

oh, november.

like it or not, here we go.