the schedule

so one more day to go and it all begins.

not sure what i will feel like writing tomorrow night so i figured that i would write now about the schedule for thursday.

once i check in mid day, i get my iv put in and have my blood drawn. then i have my check with the nurse. next i have a counseling appointment. then i start the first drug which will take over 2 hours to get through my iv. then i take the second drug which should take just under 2 hours to get through my iv. and so if all goes exactly according to their timing, i should be there for just over 7 hours. we will see how the timing works out, clearly, i am not leaving until they tell me i am done.

the two drugs that i am going to be on are ipilimumab and nivolumab which are known as opdivo and yervoy. i am not looking at info on the internet (but i am guessing you might be searching on google right now) because it isn't helpful for me and often there are more horror stories than good stories. if you see some good news, take comfort in that, and send me some good vibes. if you see some some bad news, send me some good vibes. but please don't send me links or data or stats, depending on my mindset and how my day is going, seeing info on the drugs isn't going to be helpful for me. i need to mentally believe they are kicking cancer's ass and anything that distracts me from that doesn't help me to keep my head in the fight.

i haven't yet read through all of the pages of side effects. i will. probably tomorrow night as a final way to mentally check my head into the fight. but not yet. this is still my time, not the drug's time, and i want to savor it. living in slight ignorance (though i clearly know what is ahead but not reading it all in black and white has made it seem a little less real) has helped a bit with coping up until this point. i will probably crack my last cider tomorrow night while i read what lays ahead, that will likely be fitting don't you think?

so more tomorrow night, but this gives you a sense of what thursday will look like. i have thought about this blog a lot since we got this latest news. and why this has happened to me. and i hope that sharing all of these glimpses of my story through these years has helped. maybe helped to understand better what cancer patients go through. the sadness. the grief. the day to day battles. the appreciation for the things that really matter in life. the mental ability to keep your head in the fight, when your body is doing all it can to fight. the losses. some you move on from, some you never forget.

my story. i don't know why this one is mine. i wish that it wasn't (i don’t want it be anyone’s story). i don't really even know after all these years why i share so much of the story in this space. i guess that maybe at the end of the day, i hope that it will make a difference in what you will think about when you think about cancer. and how you will think about those that are affected by it. and you will understand it a little better. and maybe you will feel a little more than you would have otherwise. that you will recognize when you are holding the shit in one hand and joy in the other, and you will be so damn thankful that in the midst of all that can and does go wrong, there are so many incredible things that can and do go right.

and that those are the things you must hold on to the tightest. because they are the ones you hold closest in your heart, and they are the ones that can never be taken from you.

not even by cancer.