in the ring---

dear you,

i know. today was tough.

it was the last day. the last day that you think that you might ever really feel like yourself. and i know that was so rough for you.

i saw you as you walked to your last meeting. and i knew you were trying your very best to hold it together. i could tell that you were thinking to yourself "what if i am never able to work at this level again." but then i saw you shake it off, get it together, and walk into that meeting and get it done like you always do.

i saw you as you watched this video on your bus ride back to the eastside after your meeting. i knew you were initially debating watching it, because you weren't sure if a video of the vice president talking about cancer was the right thing for you. but on this day, it felt like the right thing because it brought you comfort to know that good things are happening each and every day in the fight against cancer. and i knew you totally wanted to stand up and clap and cheer on the bus when robin talked about how she hates it when people talk about how patients "lose their fight" with cancer. and you started to cry when he talked how the loss of his son and how he was his soul. but you got it, you are a parent, you got it.

i know that as you walked out of the office, you wondered how you would feel the next time you walked through those doors.

i knew that when you talked to your sister you would feel a little bit better, i am so glad that you two were able to connect. i was happy when i saw you smile when you came home and saw your two favorite people and your parents. i especially kind of liked it when you cracked yourself a cold cider. my favorite moment was when you were laughing so hard with your mom and dad that you had to sit down because you couldn't stand up due the laughter. yes, yes...i really loved that. because in the midst of what you will face, you are still laughing. i also know you so well that i knew as soon this song was played on the voice that you would put your hand up in the air like you were holding a lighter (and that your mom would too) and mentally remind yourself to download this song in the morning because you were reminded how much you really love the song.  i also loved it when you cracked yourself a second hard cider, it is well deserved my dear. i say crack a third one open, you know you aren't sleeping tonight anyways.

so i know there are no words to tell you that are the right words. if there were, you and i both know that i would have said them to you a hell of a long time ago.

but i will tell you this. i know you can do this. i know that for sure. you are a fighter. you will never give up and you will never give in. you will do whatever it takes to kick cancer in the ass. and tomorrow is one more step in that fight.

i know that you are the most scared you have ever been in your life. i know that you feel like you are falling apart. i know that you feel like you are barely hanging on.

but it is ok to be scared. and it is ok to fall apart. and it is ok if you can't hang on.

because i know that you will take the time you need, you will pick up the gloves again, and you will get back in the ring.

you always get back in the ring.

you always do. remember that.

i can now hear the bell dinging in the distance,  and so i know it is time for you to climb in the ropes.

i will be right here cheering for you the entire time.

i will be with you for as many rounds as it takes.

knock 'em out kid.

love, me