Monday, August 21, 2017

round 10

treatment 10 is a go. bloodwork is all looking good.

i have a special good luck charm with me here today, and as her shirt says, "girls never give up".

we got a chance in between my appointments this morning to go out and watch the eclipse. that was pretty awesome to say the least.

now i am in a hospital bed getting my infusion.

i just met with my psychologist and we had a good talk for a long time. we have a couple of things that we are going to try to help with my anxiety and i am going to continue with my meds. the anxiety continues to be a daily fight for me but we are trying to make it better over time.

and after this, we are headed off on a magic adventure.

have a good week, thanks for all the love and prayers and mojo.

anywhere i fight, you fight.


Monday, August 7, 2017


i am currently laying in the hospital bed waiting for my drugs to come so that we can start the infusion.

the results of the scans were that the tumors have not changed, no shrinkage. they have stayed essentially the same. there were no new growths that were detected on the scans.

so i am very thankful that there are no new growths, that is a great thing. i am thankful that the tumors have not grown.

i would be lying if i said it is disheartening after all these treatments and the side effects that they have not shrunk at all.

so, i will move forward with this treatment and for the next three months and then we will do scans and see what things are. there is a clinical study going on but i would only qualify if my tumors grow, but they are seeing good results from that study with the meds they are using.

thanks for all of the love and prayers, keep them coming.

anywhere i fight, you fight.



Saturday, August 5, 2017


"i'm just trying to be the most courageous collection 
of flaws and ghosts that you've ever seen"
(morgan nikola-wren)
friday was scan day.
it did not go too well.
like last time, i asked for an iv to be put in my arm instead of connecting to my port because the contrast moves so much faster through my port and through my body than through an iv in my arm and i have been having issues with a lot of nausea during the latest scans.
i had talked about this with the tech and he pushed the contrast in slow through my iv.
but as soon as they moved me into the machine, my body started to get warm all over (like normal) and i immediately started vomiting all over the place (not normal).
i was literally projectile vomiting all over myself and all over the machine.
they could not get out of their room (the techs are in a room while they give me the exam) with the green barf bag (that i lived with while in the hospital) fast enough. it was all over the place. i was literally soaked through my shirt and the top half of my pants. and my hair (which as a sidenote i think is starting to fall out because my pillows in the morning have been covered with my hair and more and more is coming out in the shower but no balding spots yet).
they gave me a warm blanket to cover up with and then we did a few more scans. when i am in that machine, i am not supposed to move. as soon as i started vomiting (while in the machine), clearly i moved. so we did a few more (without more contrast) in hopes they could get all of the shots they needed for the radiologist to do their review.
when they finished those, the nice tech asked me if wanted help removing the vomit from the back of my hair (i am laying down for the exam so the back of my head was soaked too). of course i did since i couldn't see for myself which was very nice of him.
i then went out to the observation room and waited while they confirmed that they got the needed scans, and then when i could, ate a little snack until i could confirm that i thought that i was not going to get sick again and they felt confident that i could leave.
all i really wanted to do at that point was head home and go to bed. i was already exhausted (as usual), was embarrassed (though not my fault vomiting in front of others is never fun), and did not feel good. but my work day was packed for the rest of the day so i did what fighters do and rallied and went to work (and changed my clothes of course).
ugh. long, long day.
we head in at 7 am on monday for bloodwork and i get the results of the scans at 8:15am, so send your mojo and vibes to us at that time. i then go in for infusion at 10am and have a psych appointment too at 9. busy morning to say the least.
thanks for all of the love and support and good thoughts.
anywhere i fight, you fight.
here we go again. xoxo

Monday, July 24, 2017

round 8

round 8 is done.

i was so tired today that i slept for a lot of the day. i just couldn't keep my eyes open between the treatment and the anxiety meds. i barely remember the ride home and some errands that barrett did for me while i stayed in the car.

my bloodwork was good except my potassium is low so i will go on a supplement for that and treatment went fine. we came home and i slept for a few hours.

when i woke up, i think the combo of having treatment today and it being a monday and some major things going on this week at work caused my anxiety to kick in and i would say that i had a minor panic attack (nothing compared to the severe one i had at the start of april, the meds have helped keep those at bay but i definitely have issues every day with fighting the anxiety).

the side effects continue. taking meds to help the swelling. dry mouth. fatigue. i haven't lost my hair which has been a nice surprise, hopefully i didn't just jinx myself. so far no other complications like nausea coming back or rashes or falls or other issues. my balance has been a little better the last few weeks so that has been good, no falls in the last couple of weeks.

still quiet in this space because i still haven't figured out how to carve out the time to write.

i hope that your weeks are getting off to a great start -- make it a good one.

anywhere i fight, you fight. xoxo

Monday, July 17, 2017

dear 42

dear 42,

nice to finally meet you today.

i am very thankful for your friend 41 gracefully turning me over to you. i asked 41 that as my last wish last year, and i so appreciate 41 coming through for me in the end.

so you and me. 365 days to go.

we already know what many of those days will include. treatment. scans. needles being put in my port. fears. scanxiety. anxiety. undoubtedly some tears. hopefully more caused by joy than by sadness. we know the side effects will continue, will likely get worse, and that you will probably push me to my limits in what i can take.

but i also hold out hope for you.

i think that you can be a year that brings good things too.

i am thinking about signing up for a 5k again so that i have a goal to work towards. you will have to cooperate with me and my swollen feet and exhausted body. but i think that we can do it. we won't be fast, but at least we will be doing it. that is all that matters.

i am hoping that you take me on some new adventures. i would love to see france now that we have family living there throughout the year. i would love to go to new york with barrett and walk across the brooklyn bridge. i would love to go on some new family adventures, and do some of the same ones because disneyland will only make her eyes shine so bright for so many years.

i would love it if you and i can carve out time to really start cranking out some happy mail again.

and i want us to really focus on documenting our lives, i want to get back to getting our pictures in books and maybe doing that in different ways than i have before.

i want us to read a lot of good books together, our library list is long so that should not be a problem.

i want you to protect my friends and family from cancer and illnesses, and remember that i am already taking one for my team. so leave them alone. we are all tired of you coming around, and you aren't welcome here so take the hint (finally) and pack up and head out of town.

i want to see my daughter turn 9, and spend every day watching her continue to grow into the amazing person she is.

i want to celebrate being married to my husband for 11 years, 41 was nice enough to let us ring in our 10 year anniversary so i look forward to you allowing us to add one more to our current total.

i would love for you to help us find the time to finish the projects we want to do here and for me to finish all of the decorating ideas that i have for this home.

i would love it if you make my anxiety lessen so that my days aren't so hard and i don't rely on pills to cope and make it through my days anymore.

i am thinking that you and i might get a new tattoo this year. just maybe.

i would really love it if you allowed us to take a lot of naps. long ones.

i want to be more of a tourist in our own city and state and explore near and far.

i hope that you bring a lot of hugs.

and more laughter than i can even imagine.

i hope that you keep the tumors stable, that you don't allow them to grow. i hope that you allow me to keep beating the statistics. i hope that you don't make me go through anything worse than i already have. i hope that you don't bring the words i never want to hear, "there is nothing more to try or do." i hope that you know that i have been fighting my hardest over these last 7 years.

i want to see her grow up.

i want to grow old with him.

i want to spend time with my family and friends.

so all i ask of you is 365 days of the above. and then i will leave you as you pass me on to 43.

as i told some people today, i love the fact that i am turning 42 today. that means i am one year older. and one year older means i got another year. and that is the best.

so now that it is you and me, let's get started with all that we have to do.

you be good to me, i will be good to you, and we should be just fine.

in an ideal situation, we will be better than fine, we will thrive.

thanks for the chance to get to know you, i am so glad and thankful that you showed up.

i welcome you with open arms.

let's see what we can do together 43.

i am confident it will be more good than hard.

onward we go.

it's you and me.

let's do this.

love, me

Sunday, July 16, 2017

canciversary #7

"magic happens when you do not give up, even though you want to.
the universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart."

7 years ago today i got the call that i had cancer.

still seems like just yesterday.

it felt like the phone was going to ring at 10:30am telling me that the doctor needs to talk to me right away. i can remember the nurse's voice. i remember the tone in her voice. i remember immediately knowing something was wrong and then hearing the words and the tears starting to fall. i remember every second. i think that likely all cancer patients do.

i still remember the frantic moments of that day with such amazing clarity.

and i remember when the oncologist originally told us the statistics. and i remember knowing the reality that those statistics would not allow me to watch my one year old daughter grow up.

i am living beyond those statistics now and continue to plan on breaking those statistics and being ones of the outliers that gives the doctors and other patients the hope that someone has to be the one that does not fall into the usual numbers.

someone has to be the outlier right, why not me?

i remember how i felt last year on my canciversary - i remember writing that post and exactly how i shitty i felt last summer.

i would be lying to say that it isn't hard to be here one year later and still not feeling well and being back in treatment again. it is hard to know that the best we think we can hope for at this point is that the tumors don't grow or spread. there are a million things i could likely say about that but i am tired and emotional and i am sure that you can guess those million things i would say.

so 7 years today.

not one single day since that i have not thought of or somehow had my day shaped by cancer.

not one single day. in 7 years. that is a lot of days.

but i hope with everything i have that i am writing the canciversary post #8 on this day next year, regardless of how i feel.

i just want the chance to write the post.

that is really all i have wanted since july 16th, 2010.

the chance.


Monday, July 10, 2017

round 7

"i don't believe in magic."
the young boy said.
the old man smiled.
'you will, when you see her'"

round 7 is in the books.

my bloodwork looked good and so we were a go.

for the side effects, the fatigue continues to ramp up. i think that i could sleep all day, everyday, and really have no problems sleeping.

i have gone off of the meds that help me sleep at night just to try and take one less med. some nights that works fine, other nights i have nightmares. i wish i could know which nights would bring the nightmares so that i could know which nights to take the meds.

dry mouth. dry skin. thought my hair was beginning to fall out but no big patches yet.

and one of my all time favorites, cramps. the muscle cramps that came on in the middle of the night and are in my feet and legs and are relentless.

i was thinking today as i lay in the hospital bed about how last year before i started treatment i said that was likely the best i would ever feel again. i was definitely right about that.

between the side effects from the treatment, and the issues i am having with anxiety, life feels very off from what i am used to.

but i am hoping that slowly i will start to regain some normalcy.

i went for a walk yesterday and it was the second time i have been out for a walk since i got sick this year. it felt good but it also made me realize how weak i am. so i might need to set a goal around that, maybe sign up for a 5k in december and give myself something to work towards.

goals, something i am going to be working towards as soon as i feel like i have caught my breath. you would think that now that it has been two and a half months since i was so sick i would feel like i have caught my breath a bit, but that is simply not so. but it will come, i guess i just need to continue to be patient and let my body heal and deal with the treatment and the anxiety.

so onward i go.

i hope that your week is off to a good start.

thanks for all the support.

anywhere i fight, you fight.

today we fought in bay 23 and every minute afterwards.