Monday, October 16, 2017

14 in the books

today was treatment 14.

my bloodwork was looking good, potassium was low - but all other organs are functioning like they should be. i am so thankful for that.

this morning i woke up and felt like a cold might be coming on and so if that is the case, you wear masks at scca so you don't chance giving germs to any other patient. barrett wore one as well just in case he might be coming down with something but just doesn't know it yet.

this is the only picture i got today, not my usual one that shows me hooked up to the infusion machine.

the reason for that is simple: i was asleep.

i worked this morning (except when in appts) but when i got into the infusion room i just could not do it anymore. i closed my laptop and i was lights out, so damn tired (daily mantra around here).

as we did the check in on side effects, they remain essentially the same just continue to get worse. fatigue (kicking my ass). dry mouth. hair coming out and thinning (no bald spots yet). dry mouth (worse than the sahara). muscle aches and cramps on nights when i am super lucky. dry skin (basically the sahara). and that is just the cancer side effects, not even speaking of the daily fight with my anxiety problems which is a list of issues all on its own.

the next thing up is scans on the 27th and i can't tell you that i am looking forward to those in any way. especially since last time i ended puking all over myself and the room. that is not going to be a fun day. then on the 30th we get the results and decide where to go from there. so scanxiety is already kicking in and i am already getting very nervous for the end of the month.

sometimes being at scca for treatments brings comfort. today was one of those days when there are so many other things going wrong in our world, that i look at all of those patients and caregivers and wish that a cure for all of the cancers could be the one big thing that could be going right in our world. so many sick people there and yet you never hear a voice raised, you see smiles, you see people offer their chairs to others, you see others giving the knowing look of "me too" as you pass them on the way to your infusion room. i am almost always one of the youngest patients there on any given day. my nurses have told me that i am one of the only ones who work while i am hooked up to the infusion meds (obviously that didn't happen today), much less work full time while going through treatment. and so sometimes i wonder if i am doing this fight the way i should be, will i regret the way i fought at some point in the future (like not worked, took time off while going through treatment, etc.). but that is the deal, there is no right way. there is no wrong way. you just get through it the best way that you know how.

you just wake up and fight however you can. and as long as i keep doing that, i think that i am doing pretty damn good minus everything that totally sucks about this entire situation.

goodnight. i need to hit the hay, i have more fighting to do tomorrow. and the day after that. for as long as it takes.

anywhere i fight, you fight.


Monday, October 2, 2017


"if you happen to find yourself in the place
that hangs on the cusp of just this side of breaking,
hold on,
and ride that sweet spot until it spits you out or swallows you whole,
either way,
you're coming back filthy,
and filled with the answers you never knew you were seeking."
(nicole lyons)

the nurse getting the equipment ready to numb my port area and put the needle into my port. this is how my day starts on treatment days.

13 is in the books.

my bloodwork is holding steady.

i have one more round, then scans on the 27th, then scan results and treatment on the 30th.

i will write more soon but i am tired. i had to work after treatment, then headed home, then to a girls scouts mom meeting, and now to bed.

a long day.

but, my organs are cooperating, so long day or not, i am super thankful for that.

anywhere i fight, you fight.


Sunday, October 1, 2017

treatment 13 here i come

 "...and all at once, summer collapsed into fall."
(oscar wilde)

well, hello october.

you sure showed up fast, but it isn't a surprise since this year is flying by for me.

i got our front porch decorated today and i consider that to be a major win for the weekend.

weekends for me are now about slowing down, sleeping in, taking naps and enjoying some down time. that doesn't mean that there isn't work, and anxiety, there is definitely both - but more and more i know that i need the weekends to give my body a chance to recharge a bit from the week days which seem to be non-stop from the moment i wake up.

i have been having nightmares again, not every night, but since this is a scan month, that is not a surprise. nightmares don't help with the fatigue, i can tell you that.

so i will let you know how tomorrow goes, hopefully the liver and organs are holding strong for treatment number 13.

anywhere i fight, you fight. xoxo

ps) jill p - thanks for posting the awesome quote above today - love it. xoxo

Monday, September 18, 2017

round 12 is in the books

round 12.

in the books.

bloodwork looked good so all systems were go.

met with my psychiatrist for an hour, thank goodness for her, she doesn't make me feel like i am totally losing my mind and the baby steps i am taking (which seem like bigfoot steps to me) are helping to slowly start to deal with the anxiety. i like her, she makes me realize that i am starting to find some coping mechanisms that i would never realize on my own.

this time i was so tired that i slept every chance i got this morning. normally i would work through treatment and the waiting times in between appointments. not today. i was lights out every chance i got and and then barrett and i headed for some lunch and then to work for a couple of hours to round out the day.

on saturday night i could barely keep my eyes open around 6, we had a busy day. so i told barrett i was going to lay down for about half an hour and to come and get me up. next thing i know it was 8am sunday (he had come up and then i went right back to sleep). i slept straight through the night which apparently i needed.

but in the morning when i woke i had some major anxiety because i felt like there things that i should have got done saturday night. but i was able to shake that off after i just calmed myself down a little and my meds started to kick in.

i hope that your weeks are all to great starts. this one is going to be a long one for this kid with work, so off to zzzzzzzzzzzzz i go.

anywhere i fight, you fight.

and this year has sure been a hell of a fight with myself and with the tumors.


Friday, September 15, 2017

you all are magic

"in order to kick ass you must first lift up your foot"
(jen sincero)

you all are magic.

we got good news on both counts today. and i love you for that.

beth got news that the spots on her lungs are stable, she does not go back for scans for 6 months. woohoo!!!! 6 months can feel like getting your life back for a while. so, so happy for her.

mary also got good news today - her doctor feels that everything is stable and she does not need to have another ultrasound until january. woohoo!!!!

so happy for them both, great news for a friday. a double whammie of good news.

thanks for all the love, mojo and prayers. they worked. you all are the best.

have a good weekend, i for one will be breathing way easier. and i know beth and mary will be too.


Wednesday, September 13, 2017

kick up the mojo between 9 and 11am

ok, kick up all your good mojo tomorrow between 9-11 because that is when beth goes in for her scans. which we all know are going to be totally clear, right? right.

thanks for all of the love, mojo and prayers, i know that she really appreciates it.

here is how she is feeling tonight in her own words, it is her own story  to tell after all....

love you beth, you have got this, these scans will be clear, and you will keep on fighting.


Journal entry by Beth Peterson
Well they are here already.  Tomorrow morning are the scans. I go in at 9:40 to drink contrast and get my labs, scans at 10:40.  I remember from last time that having scans at SCCA was nicer than at UW Medical Center, less crowded and chaotic.   A little place to recover after with snacks.

I am glad my parents are here. They got in last night.  We played a bit this afternoon but now the realness sets in.  What they are really here for. 

I have been sleeping ok with help...but not as great recently.  I am nervous and anxious but it is different than last time. If I really stop to think about what the results mean it terrifies me.  Because each time I go in it can impact my future.  And I keep thinking about how this doesn't End for me. I will be scanned for a long time.  No matter what they find.  So my hope and prayers are for no growth and in fact shrinkage of those spots.

I will let you know how tomorrow goes. Thank you for your love, support and prayers. 

Monday, September 11, 2017

for beth and mary

please send you good vibes, mojo and prayers to my friends beth and mary this week.

beth goes in for scans on thursday and gets her results on friday.

mary has an ultrasound on friday to make sure that the tumors have not come back.

so we need all your good thoughts sent to seattle and to little chute, wisconsin this week.

i know that beth's scans will show no change, and mary's ultrasound will be clear.

i am super smart about these types of things, but i like to have your mojo going for them just as extra insurance.

i hope that you are all having a good week, and to those of you affected by or have loved ones in the path of harvey or irma, our thoughts are with you and yours. xo