"we've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen"
i don't know what to say either.
this feeling is familiar, but it is also different this time.
yesterday was our biggest blow to date, i am not going to lie and pretend it was anything but that.
to know your doctor so well that without him even saying anything you know. you know what he is about to tell you is not what you want to hear.
and you talk through next steps. and you talk through options. and you realize that the next steps and the options that for so long seemed like they would never really have to be my options, are now knocking right on the other side of my door.
in 8 weeks, i might be out of the trial. i might still be in. i might have one less option that worked for me. and these tumors on both lungs may continue to grow at this fast rate. and maybe they will shrink. and maybe they will stay the same. i am not giving up, but i can tell you that it is damn hard on these days to hold on to hope as it feels like it is slipping through your fingers no matter how hard you try to hold on.
i am numb.
i probably will be for a little bit.
i am just trying to breathe and put one foot in front of the other.
i went back to work today. i worked on my projects. made decisions. sent emails. celebrated a work milestone with colleagues that i had worked on for over a year. i laughed. i went to a parent teacher conference. i watched my daughter do gymnastics. i introduced my daughter to the music group 10,000 maniacs (one of my favorites). she liked the music, not surprising since she is my kid after all. i layed next to her while she fell asleep. i signed up for a mom's activist group that is sick and tired of hearing of school shootings after school shootings.
the shooting today was the 283rd school shooting since 2013.
the 283rd. since 2013.
the sky may be falling all around me, but it is also falling around all of the parents and loved ones that lost their kids today. and yesterday.
and it was not even a top headline in the news today.
so why i feel numb, i can also go forward and make choices every day like i did today to keep moving. to keep going. to keep joining. to keep living.
i am not sure yet how all of that will look, but i will figure it out.
i - and we - always do.
thank you for all of the love, support, prayers and mojo.
i carry all of them with me into the ring and even on the days like yesterday, when i just couldn't carry the gloves anymore and had to put them down for a while to cry in the corner of the ring and wonder why this has to be my fight in the first place. it shouldn't have to be anyone's fight.
i think that i have cried more tears in the last 4 weeks of my life than i did in the entire year of 2017.
but that is to be expected. i have had some huge losses and some devastating news.
as poe said "never to suffer would never to have been blessed."
and oh, how i have been blessed.
thanks for reading and sticking with me.
onward - whatever in the hell that is going to look like. we will find out together.