Tuesday, March 5, 2013

the only choice

"you never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice."
(bob marley)
love that quote. for those of you that don't know, bob marley's passing was due to melanoma. maybe that is why i love that one so much.

i am super tired tonight. i didn't sleep well at all last night - and these days, the bar is not high for what i consider "sleeping well". it is about a 1/2 inch off of the ground at this point.

best news of the day, our dear friend sharon had a great check up today marking two years for her of being cancer free. awesome news. love those good results that keep coming from her visits.

i had the bloodwork drawn for the naturopath so that we can meet up and go over those results next tuesday. i am curious to see what the bloodwork will indicate we need to focus on so that we can get started. they took eight vials of blood, i am pretty sure that i don't have any left at this point. it is another reason why i might be feeling just a little bit exhausted tonight.

this thursday i will meet with the nutrionist to get into the details of how to make the switch to the new diet. she will even go to the grocery store with me next week to pick out food - how awesome is that? love that i will have some real time help as i pick out which type of almond milk i might like;)

i am going to make an appointment with my counselor to work on moving through the guilt, in addition to overall help to keep me moving forward. my parents have been in town the last two days helping me out with some things i wanted to get done - love them. my mom and i had a tear filled talk today our guilt - the guilt i carry that i wrote about yesterday, the guilt she carries of not forcing me to get in for that biopsy sooner that i did. i hate that she has guilt, but i can understand it. you always want to protect your kids from hurt, always - and not being able to is the worst feeling. i know that feeling in spades.

i have decided that i will go back to work on 3/25, more to come on that later. was going to aim for 3/18, but i need more time so i pushed it out a week. a good step for me, making the decisions that i feel are right and best for me.

all of these new steps that i am taking are really overwhelming for me. but just like with sleeping well, the bar isn't high for feeling overwhelmed either. that bar might be just about a 1/4 inch off the floor.

as i was writing this post, malena started screaming due to a bug being in her room. i think it was a nightmare, but she was positive it was in her room. so i calmed her down and promised that i would stay in her room to make sure that no bugs came in. i kept my promise until she was deep asleep. that was one of the best and toughest moments of the day combined. i always want to be here to make her nightmares go away. that is my job to do. 

i feel like i will never make it through another day without being an absolute crying mess, like i am again as i write this. i promise that not every post is going to include some story of me crying, because relieving it in writing isn't always the best for me either. but there are times when it helps me heal a bit from the day, a way to kind of leave the hurt behind and gear up for another day. i also feel like i am pretty much an open book with what i have always shared, the highs and the deep lows. i am going to keep being honest, but i do know that it is not always easy to read just like it is not always easy to write. but writing it and reading it are nothing compared to living it.

but like bob says...being strong is the only choice. xo



  1. Thanks for sharing that quote! It is so true!

    I wanted to suggest that you check out a book/blog by Kristen Feola. She wrote The Ultimate Daniel Fast and all of the recipes are vegan. My favorites are the Black Bean Minestrone soup and the Nutty Fruit Cereal. They are so good! All of her recipes are listed on her blog. Just wanted to share!

  2. That is an awesome quote. Love. Keep writing - ups and downs - we will keep reading. Where you go, we go. oxoxo.

  3. No shame in crying----we love you. Hang in there.