Monday, March 18, 2013


the days seem to be flying by, and i am not sure how it is already less than a week until i go back to work. i guess that six weeks go by quickly when you have surgery, get your you-know-what kicked and work on your recovery, get the results you hoped would never come, and then have to figure out how to keep living on the other side of those results. i wish every day could just move in slow motion, i don't want time to keep marching on. i want time to stand still now when i don't have any cancer in my body (i so hope that is still true at this point) so that bad news never comes our way again. i would give anything to be able to have the life back that i had three years ago when i never had to think about my own mortality, and living until i was old and gray was so much of a given that i never even gave it a second thought. for all of you that are reading this that have the luxury of being healthy, i hope you thank your lucky stars every single day.

i met with my counselor on friday and we had a good session. we talked about the guilt that i carry, and how i sometimes feel like i am drowning under the weight of it. feeling the guilt is normal, recognizing the emotions that i am feeling is good, working my way through them is key. i am doing my best at doing that. but i feel like it is a constant juggling act. when i can release the ball of guilt, the ball of unexplainable sadness lands in my palm, only to be replaced by the ball of overwhelming fear, and then next comes the ball of desperation - the one that makes me feel like i am constantly begging and pleading every second of every day for a miracle to happen. in the midst of the juggling, there are also balls of joy and hope and bravery, and i am so grateful when i get to hold on to them for a while before the cycle begins again.

one of the things that i remind myself of when i feel guilty is that i know that many of you have taken steps to ensure that you take good care of your skin. you go to the dermatologist now, and you didn't before. you get your skin checked on a regular basis. you wear sunscreen when you are out in the sun. you sometimes choose to sit in the shade. you make sure that your kids wear sunscreen. you educate others about the risks to their skin. you don't lay in tanning beds, and you make sure that your kids don't either. i do take comfort in my story likely saving lives of friends or family members i love, or even for strangers i haven't met that now know my story. i also take comfort in the fact that since i was originally diagnosed, i have done everything i can to fight like hell for my life. but there are days when the comfort that brings doesn't outweigh the guilt, and those are tough days.

over the weekend my sister-in-law's awesome family had a fundraiser for donations to fred hutchinson for the annual shore walk that family and friends do with me each year - this year will be the third annual event. for those of you that walk or donate each year, i will get our team created this week and will send info out soon so that you can sign up or donate. the fundraiser was a bunco night just like last year, and $1400 was raised in three hours. great food, terrific raffle prizes, multiple bunco games, fabulous ladies...a very special night. so thankful for all of their hard work that goes into making the night a huge success. my friend sharon, who just recently got clear scan results marking two years of her being cancer free, and i won "bust cancer" t-shirts. perfect combination.

this weekend malena and i also worked on easter crafts, she is turning into quite the little crafter like her mom. you know that i love that;)

i am also making good progress on making sure that my body isn't coming into contact with any toxins. new handsoap. new lotion. new chapstick. new makeup. tomorrow i am going to take my new juicer out of the box and make my first juice. it is going to include carrotts, and i hate (and that is putting it lightly) carrotts. but i hear they are good in juices, and i know that they are good for me.  wish me luck - hopefully i don't burn down the house and actually have something edible to drink;)

through the generosity of friends, and even strangers, i am going to have dinner meals delivered to me for the first couple of weeks when i go back to work. the meals will meet all the requirements of my new diet and will allow me to focus on getting my breakfast/lunch routines down first, and then start to focus on making different dinners. due to their generosity, i am also getting a vitamix which i hear can make great smoothies out of even the toughest vegetable (maybe it can make carrotts taste like jelly beans?;)). so amazed by all of the love that continues to surround our family as we move through this next phase in our lives. we are so lucky to be so loved and to have so many cheerleaders giving us support, i am humbled and thankful every second of every day.

happy tuesday all - i hope that your week is off to a good start. xo

1 comment:

  1. My mother was 94 when she died 2 years ago of pneumonia. She loved the sun. During the summer (we live in IL), she was outside in the sun all the time – no hat or sunscreen or cover up of any kind. Plus, she really did have nice skin even in her last years. We are light skinned with natural blond hair although hers turned white in her 80s.
    I don’t work outside the home. I am a homemaker. During the summer, I am outside all the time. Until a few years ago, I did not put sunscreen on. When I was in high school and beyond, I wanted a tan so badly and would just bake myself. Never really got a “beautiful” tan. I would burn, then peel and look goofy, but I continued over and over again to try to get a tan.

    My family has always had a pool in the backyard. I didn’t put sunscreen on my children or limit their time outside. This was normal at the time.

    My grandchildren do use sunscreen. Now, this is normal for the time.

    There has been no skin cancer in our family. So what is different now? There must be something more than just the sun increasing melanoma in young people. Perhaps genetically modified foods has something to do with it. But, we will probably never know.

    I have 2 adopted children and one biological daughter. They are in their 40s now. I mentioned that because 2 do not have my genes if that has anything to do with their perhaps being protected.

    I do share some of the things you say with my family. We are learning from you. I am so grateful that I found your blog and can pass on good info to my family. You just amaze me with your bravery and concern for others. Once again, you are one terrific woman.

    Scarlett June