Monday, March 4, 2013

magic wand

i had my derm appointment this morning and all was well with that one mole - no need for a biopsy. total relief. of course i had a tough moment when i told him the latest, he had known about the surgery but not about the results. i think that i am going to just start carrying kleenex in my hand everywhere i go, it will save me the time of pulling one out of my purse each time the tears start to flow. all of those minutes saved could add up to me accomplishing something productive.

i also got the news on my next scans today. 4/29 for scans, 4/30 for results. i think that i will be anxious and nervous every day between now and 4/30. i can already feel the pit in my stomach starting to churn. knowing the dates is always such a mix of dread and knowledge. i don't have to wonder any longer about which dates in april are going to tell us the next chapter of how this story continues, but now i can hear the tick tock of the clock on the scan countdown.

i met with a naturopath today and she confirmed what i thought that she was going to tell me. switching to a vegan diet + no sugar is going to give my immune system the best shot it has at fighting cancer. i have bloodwork tomorrow and then i meet again with her in a week to review the results so that we know what areas we need to focus on (thyroid, vitamin b, adrenals, etc.). in the meantime, i am going to start switching my diet. more to come on that, this is going to be an interesting process but i am committed to trying to my best to follow it.

two interesting articles that i came across today. a good article from women's health with three myths about tanning beds. also, i read this post about the negative committee and could totally relate to her words. took me right back to the day when i lost my friend jim. i can relate to her words because i felt the exact same way she did when i was stage iii, and the irony is, that now feels like a lifetime ago. being stage iii feels like another life i lived, one that was super scary - but was not even close to as scary as the life i live now. 

i wish there was a magic wand that could take me back in time. the magic wand would take me out of the tanning beds i used a couple of times before weddings or vacations (makes me so sick to my stomach to even write that - as well as the other words that will follow). the magic wand would take me out of the sun when i was not using sunscreen or when i was using bathing oil to try and perfect a really good tan. the magic wand would make me notice that the mole on my collarbone was changing and that i should see a dermatologist. the guilt i carry from not noticing and not doing something is heavier than you could ever imagine. our lives could be so much different today. the magic wand would take me back to my stage iii diagnosis and i would have drastically changed my diet then had i known it in any way could have changed february 20th. the magic wand would reverse july 16th, 2010 and february 20th, 2013 and the results would be benign. the magic wand would tell me that i will get to live a long life, see my daughter grow up -- get married -- have her own kids. the magic wand would tell me that i will get to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary with barrett. when we walked in to alderbrook, the first thing that i saw was a welcome note to a family celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary. it was like a sucker punch to my gut, i want to celebrate one of those. the magic wand would take away the heartache that comes with every single day now, with the hardest part of each day never knowing when the toughest moments will come so that i can get ready and brace myself.

i am going to need one hell of a magic trick to avoid melanoma coming back.

but i have always believed in magic.

if this time it comes with less sugar and more spinach, count me in.

magic that i get to be a part of is the very best kind.


  1. Alli,
    So happy to read the news about your mole. Thank God! I think of the "magic" you are looking for and if I had any way to insure just one of those magic wishes come true I would, in a heartbeat. I can only attempt to encourage you that through faith and prayer, there is no end to the magic. I know you believe this and just know there are so many others that are praying this for you. Keep up with your amazing grace, your warrior stance and your faith. We are with you.
    Love and Hugs.....

  2. Alli, do I sense another theme song -- "Do you believe in Magic"? I've now got that song running in my head, and from now on when I start to hum it I'll think of you and send positive thoughts your way.