Thursday, May 28, 2015

for beth

it is time (well, it always time but we want to kick it up a notch in the next week) to send love, good vibes, and prayers to beth. starting tomorrow she has a week of procedures and scans coming up. so we need to have all of the good mojo she can get while she heads into this round of tests. since you all are coming off of a great track record with my scans, i know you can make the same magic happen for hers too.

with beth's permission, i thought that you might like to hear in her own words how she is feeling about the week to come.

"I've been having a lot of anger recently, and seeing it manifest itself in odd ways for me. not everyone will see, but I see it in me getting frustrated quickly, or irritated, my reactions, and my thoughts. So I know it is there, and it isn't normal for me to react that way or think those things. And I think me having some anger is justified. But I am trying to figure out why I am angry and how to move past it. Because I don't want to be angry forever.
My anger seems to center around my grief. The grief of things I have lost, and the grief of things that will always be a part of my future. And I don't really know how to move past it, but I am working on it and know it will take some time. And eventually I will accept my new reality. At least I hope I get there. But as I said I have no idea how to do it yet, this is new to me. But we have all moved through the stages of grief before and at the end is acceptance.
I have been thinking a lot about one of those greeting cards I posted about a couple weeks ago. The one that said "I'll punch the next person who says everything happens for a reason." Because I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. So I personally really like that card. No one gets cancer for a reason. Why is a child born with a fatal disease? Why do thousands die during a natural disaster? There are no good reasons for those things. God doesn't let bad things happen to good people. To me the fact is bad things do happen and we live in a broken world. But what does matter, is what we do with those terrible things that happen. How we deal with them, how we live our lives, and how we move forward. Because I could shut down and get angry, and always be angry at the world. Or I can figure out how I want getting cancer to change me, and I get to control that. Because there isn't much else I do get to control. It is so easy to get caught up and focus on the bad things in life when they happen.
A few weeks ago I was driving home from a really nice dinner with friends. And there was a guy on the side of the road with his sign asking for help/money. And also on the sign it said "I never thought I would be doing this. But God humbles us all." I've also been thinking a lot about that man and his sign. It's so true. I never lived my life thinking I would get cancer. And I wasn't prepared for it. But we never know what will happen, and we will be humbled.
Tomorrow starts a week of anxiety for me. Tomorrow I have my procedure at 12:45 and check into the hospital at 10:30 am. I get to take the pre-surgery showers, my favorite. I was hoping I wouldn't have to go under general anesthesia, but unfortunately I do. I get so nauseated when they give me general anesthesia. So my recovery will be a bit rougher and I expect to be pretty uncomfortable over the weekend.
Next Tuesday at 10 am I check in for my colonoscopy. Then Wednesday at 10 are my CT scans. That afternoon I also get the biopsy results from my procedure tomorrow. Then next Friday at 1 pm I get my scan results. I assume I find out the colonoscopy results while I am there, but not sure. So I am hoping next Friday to celebrate being done with all these tests and exams and have it only be good years. Because I know I am not prepared for anything but good news. And I can't handle anything but good news right now.
Thank you for seeing me through this and all your love, support and prayers."

beth and i are co-captains for our "cancer you can suck it" team for the upcoming shore walk. if you would like to join our team, can you can register here (make sure that you join up as a member of our team) or you can donate to our team through that site as well.

i hope that you all have great weekends.

do something fun simply because you can, and send some mojo beth's way while you are doing it.

i know that she would really like that. xo

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