Monday, May 12, 2014

6 months

6 months until the next scans.

that is a long time.

which is completely great and which is completely scary at the same time.

clearly i am not excited about the "more conspicuous" spots on my lungs. who would be? but just because they are more conspicuous doesn't mean it is melanoma, it could be random spots on my lungs. it could be cancer. it could not be. the spots may grow. they may not.

before the last round of scans i had quite a bit of anxiety thinking about a six month interval between scans, but i didn't end up having that as a reality.

this time i do.

here is where the anxiety comes from. my worst nightmare is that i go in at 6 months and the spots were melanoma - and they spread or grew - and we may have been able to do something sooner if i would have had scans at the three month mark.

so while i balance that nightmare in one hand, i also know that if i am going to kick cancer's you-know-what that having long breaks in between scans is the goal. more time is what i am aiming for, both in life and in between scans. so this is a good great thing. i just need to remind myself of that when the anxiety starts to creep in and my mind wanders to what may occur at that six month mark (which is already has, it doesn't take long for your brain to start spinning on the what if's of the unknown cancer future).

i also know that at this point, i have already broke the common stage iv statistics. statistics are just numbers, i also know that. but they are hard to get out of your thoughts.

but i am breaking them. that part isn't too hard to get out of my thoughts.

in the midst all of this, i plan to live the hell out of the next six months.

that much i know for sure.

you count on it. all six months worth.

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