Tuesday, January 8, 2013

goals + baby rocker + giveaway reminder

there are two posts from elise blaha's blog lately that you really spoke to me. usually her daily blog posts do in one way or another, but these two struck a chord on back to back days.

the first was her post yesterday about goals and to-do list items. i am a big to-do list girl, and goals always weigh heavy on my mind in january as i think of all of the things that i want to accomplish throughout the year. i plan to dive into her course this weekend that i signed up for, i have no doubt it will be great and will get me motivated. one big motivation for this year is documenting (hence my word for 2013) and one week in i am living up to my word. i printed out the pics from last week and started my project life photo book for the year. one week in, one week done. 51 more to go and i am ready.

the second was her post today about a rocking chair for her baby. i have been thinking a lot about babies recently. i always do as scan time draws close, as i think about how different my life would if it never included scans and results. at christmas, malena and i went into the bathroom at my parent's house and out of nowhere she asked me when i was going to have another baby in my tummy. i was so not ready for that question. i told her that i wasn't sure if i would, and of course because she is four, she asked me why. i explained that she would likely be my one and only special baby, and of course because she is four, she asked me why. at some point, she was finally satisfied with my answer. for that day anyways. she asked me the same question a couple of days ago as we were walking into the house at the end of the day. i gave her the same logic, i got the same why questions. i wish i had better answers to give both of us.

she is getting old enough that i could likely explain more. but the truth is, i don't think that i can do it yet. scratch that, i know that i can't do it yet. on the other side of these scans, one way or another, i need to find my way to come to terms with it. i know that. it is a decision (and not my own which will always really piss me off and make me sad) that was really made the day i got my diagnosis, and all of these days later i still have a very hard time with it. when i was unpacking our christmas decorations, i found the extra stocking holder that i got when i bought malena's when she was a baby. i bought two so that they could be matching, and it seemed like such an obvious no-doubt-about-it decision at the time. i can clearly remember the moment when i found them and knew we would put them up every christmas. of course i would need two stocking holders, because i would have two kids. seeing and feeling that stocking holder was tough. such a little thing, but it held such promise at the time that i bought it. i couldn't bring myself to not put it back into the decoration box. i should have saved myself the pain of seeing it again next year, but i just wasn't ready to put it somewhere that would signal that it would never sit on our mantle. even though i know that is the reality. i know it, i just don't want to accept it. more so, i just don't know how to.

i just need some more time. which is so true in so many different ways.

giveaway sidenote:
+++ reminder: you have until friday to leave a comment on the blog to have a chance at winning 5 of my handmade (awesome thankyouverymuch) cards. more info is in this post. you know that you want the random number gadget to make you a winner this week. but watch out if you win, some of the girls that have already left comments might come after you;)


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