terms

today was one of those days. the joy and the shit days. when you feel the weight of carrying both, but the shit just seems a whole lot heavier.

a long work day -- even though in the grand scheme of life it isn't important (at all), a day full of hard conversations and constant problems and being talked to rudely by unhappy people can make for a really long day and leaves you trying to remind yourself why it is you keep showing up each day.

thinking of impending scans for a friend.

beloved friends saying goodbye to their cherished dog.

the words "hospice care" entering the necessary vocabulary of loved ones.

a friends impending surgery this week.

so you do the best you can do to make it through. you come home from a 13 hour work day and crack a hard cider. you put your favorite pants and t-shirt on and watch a disney movie for 45 minutes because that is what makes your 5 year old happy. you talk with your husband to swap stories of your day. you think about cracking a second (and maybe a third) cider because one just doesn't seem like it will be enough.

you remember that all of this, the shit and the joy, this is what you wanted to be here for. this is what you prayed for and what you begged for when you were in those scans two weeks ago. when you were laying in the dark room by yourself while you could hear your family below, but you couldn't join because you were radioactive, you hoped that life in two weeks wouldn't include doctors but would include living life on your terms.

as i learned along time ago, you don't always get things on your terms. so you keep showing up, saying your thanks, and looking for the joy that can tip the scale back to center.