i am

i am a lot of things these days.

i am thankful for my two legs that took me on a great run tonight before dark finally fell. that warm fresh air felt so good.

i am excited that tomorrow is friday, and at some point tomorrow (probably late), i will wrap up work and get ready to disconnect for next week and focus on breathing and putting one step in front of the other.

i am bummed when i see a voicemail on my phone (like i had today at 3:30pm) that i know is from seattle cancer care alliance telling me the details of my upcoming scans.

i am dreading being really hungry on monday as i can't eat anything for 12 hours before my scans, and my scans aren't until 1pm on monday. that late time for scans always makes them that much rougher because my stomach is so empty and i always feel that much more sick afterwards.

i am angry.

i am pissed off that i have to do radioactive scans this time.

i am irritated that i can't run after noon on saturday because i can't exercise for 48 hours prior to my scans.

i am devastated that because i will be radioactive i am not supposed to be close to malena for 10 hours - yes 10 hours - after my scans. seriously. i won't get to hug on her when i see her on monday night (which will of course be the only thing that i actually feel like doing on monday night). i won't get to lay next to her when she falls asleep. i won't get to, it is like being punished again right after you have already been punished. so if you will be around kids on monday night, give them as many hugs as you can. lay next to them when they fall asleep (if they are young enough to still let you). give them some extra love from me. give them some extra love from you. simply because you can and you know that there is at least one mom that won't be able to do the same. thank your lucky stars that you aren't radioactive.

i am disappointed (in a major way) that i will miss her gymnastics lesson and having a picnic on monday. super bummed.

i am appreciative of all of the love and support i will carry with me into next week.

i am scared.

i am mad that beth has to have an mri on friday. please send her lots of love and mojo and prayers to make it through the test, and that the results show the tumor has decreased in size.

i am sad.

i am anxious.

i am unsure of what my future holds, hell, i am unsure of what the next 6 days hold. which is always true, we never know what the future holds. but the daily reminders that it isn't within my control is a tough pill to swallow each day as you prepare to make it through the day the best way you can.

i am emotional. i should invest in kleenex, i might make some money back.

i am bitter.

i am overwhelmed that i have to do this again. it never gets any easier, only harder.

i am ready to download a bunch of music to listen to while i am in the scans for 3 hours on monday.

i am telling cancer that i am a fighter and i am getting ready to pick up my boxing gloves for this next round.

i am doing a little mantra of "f&ck cancer" in my brain on repeat about every 15 seconds.

i am tired. so tired.

i am going to fight like hell. no matter what comes.

yes, i am.