one down, one to go + reminder on card giveaway

today we met with our mortgage specialist to talk through our options.

i was in the tears on the way there. i held it together for most of the appointment.

yes, most of the appointment. but, not all of the appointment.

towards the end, i told her about what was going on because it is such a big part of these decisions that we are considering. i could only get her name out, then the tears came and i couldn't talk, but eventually i pulled it back together.

i so wish that we could just make decisions and not have to think through the unknowns of the future. to have to simultaneously carry where we have been while at the same time trying to figure out where we are going. but i guess we all do that every minute of every day. it just seems that at times with these decisions about our home the weight of both just seems so much heavier than normal.

and it never gets easier. it never seems to be easier to say those words associated with cancer to someone who doesn't know. to weave together the pieces for them of why the timing of when we make decisions is factored on a risk call of whether our lives will look different after the first week of may. to weave together the pieces for them of why i start to have a hard time breathing when we talk about long term mortages because thinking long term scares me to my core. to weave together the pieces the best i can, maybe just as much for them as for me.

thursday we meet with our realtors and that is going to be a tough one. i think that seeing them in our house will remind me of when they first showed it to us. when we were just married, when i had long blonde hair, when we had never had one second of thinking that we wouldn't have long lives together in this house. when we thought that we would raise our two kids here. that it would only be the happily ever after for us, not the part of the vows when you learn what you do in sickness and in health.

but the big decisions are never the easy ones, i learned that a long time ago.

you keep showing up and making the best decisions you can with the cards that you are dealt.

on thursday i will take a look at my cards and i will keep playing.

i can tell you this, i am definitely not going to throw in my hand.

+++ reminder -- if you want to be entered into the card giveaway, leave a comment by 9pm on thursday on the blog. anyone should be able to comment on the blog, easiest way for some might be to click the "anonymous" selection for the "comment as" prompt (which is at the bottom of each blog post). when you type in your comment, make sure that you leave your name with comment so that i know it is you in case you are the big winner (which you know you will be);)

happy hump day, we are half way there. i for one am pretty happy about that. xo