two weeks from today is scan day. again. damn, these three months have gone fast, but i knew they would with the holidays falling in the middle month.
so right on cue, my stress level is up, my patience level is low, tears fall for any and no reason, and i spiral into my typical process of beating the hell out of myself mentally. for all of the things that i didn't do these last three months. the pictures i didn't get into albums. the juices i didn't drink. the green smoothies i didn't make. the vitamins i didn't remember to take. the runs i didn't do. the jumps i didn't jump. the books i didn't read. the cards i didn't send. the letters i didn't write. the list goes on and the guilt stacks up to the tipping point.
but then there will be the inevitable moment like tonight when i will kick my own ass for being so tough on myself. i will remember all of the juices i made. the green smoothies i whipped up. the pictures i took. the vitamins i swallowed. the runs i got in. the jumps i jumped. the books i did read. the cards i sent. the hugs i gave. the i love you's i said. the smiles. the laughs. all of the million of big and small moments that i lived in the last three months.
i will remind myself that it is ok to live, and not have every single moment be about kicking cancer's ass. kicking cancer's ass is obviously the goal, but sometimes it doesn't allow me to mentally be focused on the land of the living. and so there are times that i choose (sometimes without really thinking about it, other times with intentionally thinking about it) to not do things that make me think of melanoma. and that is ok. in fact, that is better than ok - that is living in a way that allows cancer to be part of my life, but not all of my life.
so tonight as my patience was scrapping hard against the floor, my attitude sucked in a big way, malena was in tears for her own reasons, i was in tears for my own reasons, i took a deep breath. i reminded myself to be brave. i reminded myself to believe that i can get through these next couple of weeks. i always get through them. this time will be no different.
i took that breath. i regrouped. i decided to take a detour, geographically and mentally. malena and i wiped the tears and headed to the book store. i wanted to check out a book that my mom told me about as i was driving home today. the book is find it in everything by drew barrymore. as soon as i opened it, i knew that i was meant to come across this book today (thanks mom). it reminded me of what i already know.
love is always there.
somedays it is just a little bit harder to see.
+++ Hhubb838 - let me know how to get you the info for the happy mail campaign:)
+++ i thought that this "dear daddy in seat 16c" post was a great reminder of the kindness of the human spirit among strangers. love is always there.