dear 2014

dear 2014,

well, here you are. no matter how much i hoped that you would take a little bit longer to get here, you are here nonetheless. so the best that i can do is embrace you and hope that you are good to me.

as you probably already know from your friend 2013, you scare me to my absolute core. i am just going to be completely honest. i have been absolutely petrified of you coming for a long time now, you are a really hard year for me to even begin to feel comfortable with. i wouldn't normally lay all of my cards on the table like this, but i think that you already know how i feel about you.

you are going to bring scan results this month (yes, it is already that month again -ugh) that will set the tone for the rest of my time with you. if you give me good scan results, my oncologist will probably tell me that i don't need to have scans again for another six months. if we get those results, that will be an interesting dilemna. as much as i would love to have six months off and get out of the three month scan rotation which is so mentally brutal on me, i don't know that i could let go of not knowing for six months. a lot can go wrong in six months, and my absolute worst nightmare is that something goes wrong and we don't know about it soon enough to be aggressive and attack it as soon as possible. so the jury is still out for me on what we will do with the good news, but i look forward to the opportunity to make that decision. please, please, please - don't take that opportunity away from me. i am begging you.

if you bring those good results, and i go for the six months, that would mean that potentially with all good news, we would only go through scans twice in your year. that seems too good to be true. i know that is a possibility, it just seems so far out of my grasp as i write this.

if you don't bring good results in january, you will again turn our world upside down. the truth is, i try hard to not spend much timing thinking about that outcome. because you and i both know that i really can't even go there because the thoughts paralyze me.

i also know that you will bring me a ton of joy. more time with malena and barrett. more time with my family and friends. more laughter. more hugs. more i love you's. more celebrations. more milestones. weddings. babies being born. college graduations. just more of all of the good stuff. and i already love you for that.

i am counting on you to bring great trips to suncadia, gearheart, disneyland, minnesota, spokane, maybe new york again if i am lucky. i am excited for the trips to come that i don't even know you have up your sleeve.

i am planning on you bringing me time to be in my craft room, to make cards to send happy mail, to document our lives through pictures. i am also planning on you bringing me time to sit on my dream couch and dream.

i intend to check a couple more things off of the bucket list -  you will just have to come along with me to see what i have in mind.

all in all 2014, i do hold a lot of hope for you. i know that regardless of what you bring into my life related to cancer, you will bring me a million more memories and a ton of love. i also that know that regardless of what you bring related to cancer, i will be surrounded by more love than i can imagine from family and friends - and in the darkest moments of worry that i have about you, that brings me comfort. whatever you throw at me, i won't have to go through it alone. that is one thing that you can't take away from me.

i hope that you bring me 365 days. i hope beyond hope that you bring me healthy days. i know that you are just getting to know me, but i really deserve it. you can ask 2013, she put me through the ringer and i am pretty sure that she would tell you that i deserve a break. nothing would make me happier than to write you a letter on december 31st thanking you for all of the good things that you brought to my life. wouldn't you love to get a little happy mail on your last day?

i promise you that i will love wholeheartedly, that i will show up for those that i love, that i will do my best to make the world a little better each day.

i will give you the best of everything i have. i promise.

i only ask that you promise to do the same.

love, me