the call (for beth)

why me?

i remember thinking that on the day that i got my cancer diagnosis, and i have probably thought that a million times since. i still don't know the answer, and in my heart, i know that i never will. but that doesn't mean that i don't still keep asking the question. there are times that i wonder if it is because i was meant to share my story so that others would have a window into a life shared with cancer -- the insider's perspective on what it is really like. there are times that i wonder if it is because i was meant to be able to provide support in a way that i would not have otherwise been able to when cancer enters the lives of those that i love. maybe it is neither of those reasons. maybe it is both of them. maybe it is somewhere in between.

but on this day, january 8th at 6:32pm, i think that i knew a very important reason why.

at 6:32pm, i talked to my friend beth who told me that she was diagnosed with cancer today. and at 6:32pm, the world stopped turning as i heard her says those words within the first two seconds of answering the phone. i will never forget that moment. ever. it is the moment when as someone who has gone through cancer, your heart stops beating. the thing that you have wished for every moment since your own diagnosis, that those you love won't be touched by cancer, has not come true for someone that you love dearly. you curse the fates, and you take a deep breath.

then you do what has to come next. you say and talk about the words that follow the diagnosis. scans. results. oncologist. surgeon. treatment. unknowns. all of the words that always follow the word diagnosis. and you say the most important words. i love you. you can do this. you are not alone.

but here is also what i knew at 6:32pm as soon as i heard the word cancer. that no matter what comes, beth is going to kick cancer's ass. she will make it wish that it had never messed with her. she will do whatever this takes. period. i know that there is no other option.

so i ask you to send your prayers, mojo, and good vibes to beth tomorrow as she goes in for her scans at 11:30. these will answer the unknowns and lead to a better understanding of what comes next. she wants to know that she is carrying all of you with her tomorrow as she goes into her appointment, so start sending the love her way. beth and i both thank you.

maybe every moment since july 16th, 2010 led to the call i got today at 6:32pm.

so i could say to the voice on the other end of the line, i know. i know.

although what i really wish is that neither of us had to know.

send your love tomorrow and for the days to come, i so wish i knew what they will hold. xo

important sidenote:
+++ 2014 --- you are officially on my shit list, 8 days in and you are brutal.