Wednesday, September 26, 2012

my own worst enemy

on monday, i had a work meeting at the office that i used to work at about 5 years ago. as i was getting ready to leave the office, i saw three of my old co-workers in a conference room and popped in to say hi. i haven't seen them in a long time so i was excited to catch them all in the same place at the same time. if i had not been so happy to see them, i probably would have thought about what i was setting myself up for. unfortunately, i didn't think. hence, the title of this blog post.

so as i walked in to say hi, all three of them looked at me as if i was a complete stranger. absolutely no recognition that it was me. pretty sure that it was only about ten seconds that ticked by, but those seconds felt like an eternity. after that never ending awkward silence, one of them figured it out after she heard my voice (no clue what words left my mouth at that point). but i am not sure that the other two did. i quickly made an exit and luckily had to leave the office to head for another meeting.

i held it together long enough to get back to my office. but once in my office, the tears came. i had just put myself in one of the situations that i hate the very most. i was really frustrated with myself. as always, it was so hard to have people i know look at me as if i was someone they had never met before. i have been beating myself up about it all week, and i know that i shouldn't. but, damn, that was so hard. inflicting it on myself made it even worse. i know better than that.

this week has been tough for some reason. that office situation on monday wasn't a good start. might be because of the news about md anderson which has me thinking about cures. cures makes me think about scan results. thinking about scan results makes me anxious. being anxious means i get barely any sleep. a little vicious cycle.

in spite of all of those things in the last week, i am surrounded by awesome friends. great family. time at the park. watching malena swim. laughter. hugs. good food. reisling (you knew that would be on the list). great photos to capture memories. fun mail (both getting and sending). running (i am actually really liking training for the 5k - who have never guessed that). a lot of love.

all in all, if i am my own worst enemy at times - i kind of like the opposition.

+++ i am loving jessica's swifts 2013 calendars
+++ what if every office had one of these ?
+++ if you want some very fun postage stamps with one of your pics on them, you need to check out this site (wallace, you rock!!)
+++ i have not heard of "blurb" before, but am kind of intrigued after seeing this post

1 comment:

  1. I'm proud of you (yes, for running, but there is more...)!
    Think of it this way, for one fleeting moment you weren't thinking of cancer. You were thinking of the excitement of seeing old friends. I bet that a year ago, you would have thought about cancer first and would have walked past that room without saying hello. Even though the outcome wasn't what you expected, I think you should be proud, you thought friends first and cancer second. In my opinion, this is healing, and you, my dear friend should be proud of this accomplishment!