Monday, May 7, 2012

the unexpected moments

"sorrow comes in great waves...but it rolls over us,
and although it may almost smother us it leaves us on the spot
and we know that if it is strong, we are stronger,
inasmuch as it passes and we remain."
 (henry james)

today i had a work meeting with a man that i had worked with before, but hadn't crossed paths with for a while. i didn't think about the last exact time that i had seen him, and really didn't think about the fact that i probably hadn't seen him since before i was diagnosed. so when i got the call that he was in the lobby, i headed out to greet him.  as i was walking towards him i could immediately tell that he didn't recognize me, and in that instant i realized it was because he had not seen me in over a year. last time he saw me i had long, blonde curly hair. today i had a short pixie cut that was strawberry blonde. i didn't see it coming, or i would have prepared myself. but there was no time for that. his head immediately tilted to the side and he said "wow, i don't even recognize you, your hair is so different." of course, my right hand went up my neck as it always does now, and i said "i guess last time you saw me i probably had long blonde hair, right?". he said "yes, and i am totally suprised that you would cut all of that off." he said it nicely, he obviously had no idea that it wasn't because i wanted to go with a totally different haircut, and i think that he was a little thrown off too. as soon as he said that, i could feel the tears start to well up. luckily, i took the lead to return to my office so i had my back to him. i could catch my breath and get it together in the ten seconds it took us to walk back.

it was kind of like this weekend when i was at my grandma's party. i had mentally prepared myself anticipating that some people wouldn't recognize me, or would ask about my hair, etc. at one point about half way through the party, i was crossing the room to get some coffee for my grandma. a woman stopped me, grabbed my hand, and told me that she was praying for me. since i was focused on getting that coffee, i wasn't ready for it. don't get me wrong, i totally appreciated the thought, i just didn't have a second to steady myself for it.

unrelated to how i have been feeling lately, there are moments that i don't see coming that kind of blindside me. sometimes only for a second. sometimes for many, many seconds.

all a part of this journey.

+++ my friend marcie-roo sent me a link to some great quotes today (like the one above), if you like quotes as much as i do check these out
+++ thought this was creative as a way to use the downloadable prints that i linked to yesterday for someone other than a mom

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