Sunday, October 23, 2016

waving the white flag

this week i felt a little bit rougher than previous weeks.

could just be the treatments starting to accumulate. the meds hopefully working their magic. my immune system in overdrive. my body being pretty wiped out.

on thursday i was supposed to go down to portland for a concert. but i knew by wednesday that i wasn't going to be able to do it. i just wasn't feeling well enough to be able to go. that was a really hard decision as it felt like i was waving the white flag a bit and surrendering  (which i do not like to do). so that was hard but it was the right decision to make. i knew that when i made it, but it didn't make it any easier. i was angry at the tumors. for having to do treatment. for not being able to live my life on my terms. in truth, i am still kind of pissed about it. but i am reminding myself that waving the white flag on a certain day doesn't mean that i am keeping it in the air. just during the times when i have to.

this week the side effects all seemed to remain the same, just more tired this week which is understandable as time goes on and the fatigue increases.

the other daily part of all of this that is pretty frustrating is that when i am driving the car, the seatbelt comes right across the part of my chest where the port is. and it hurts. so i drive with my seatbelt down a little bit on my arm. but it is frustrating and annoying, and a reminder every time i get into my car that i have the port in my chest. these meds had better be working their magic.

this weekend was low key, which is how i like it these days. the weather was beautiful so i got out both days for good walks, and a little bit of running. malena and i went today and she was a good walking partner, and even wanted to jog for some parts of it. i can definitely tell that i haven't been running for months, i am pretty sore from the miles i put in this weekend. so training for the 5k in december is going to be a total and complete grind. but that is ok, i have done it before, i can do it again. i just have to put in the work.

i hope that your weekends were good too. i don't know about you but i am kind of hoping that monday takes its own sweet time in getting here.

have a good one ( good as mondays can be).

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