Sunday, April 10, 2016

i don't know what to say

i have had more than one friend write that to me within the last couple of days.

and i can totally relate.

because i don't know what to say either.

(as a sidenote: when someone gets bad news, telling them i don't know what to say, but i am here to support you, is honest and appreciated. feel ok to tell someone you don't know what to say, i guarantee they likely don't know what to say either. it is good common ground.)

the last couple of days have really been a tear filled blur for me.

barrett and i took thursday off work. we had some discussions with our parents in the morning on some immediate next steps (more to come on those soon but too tired to write much tonight) and then we headed out of town for the afternoon to take malena up to see the tulip fields in mount vernon. it was a gorgeous blue sky day and i needed to get out of town and i needed some fresh air.

friday we both worked. it was good to have something to concentrate on, but there were definitely moments the tears came on but i was able to keep them at bay. i was more than ready to get out of the office by the time my day was done.

this weekend we layed pretty low and stuck close to home. that was just what i needed. i didn't feel too much like talking, i just wanted to try and hold it together as much as i could with kiddo. but i would say that on average i have been in tears every couple of hours through the last two days. my eyes are tired. i am tired.

tomorrow we head back to work and soon i will have to start to navigate what my work life will look like when treatment turns it upside down.

i will write more on treatment soon too. as i am sure you can guess, i am not up for that yet. i can't even look at the papers they sent me because the first page has a stat about life expectancy when starting treatment. and it isn't good. so i haven't been able to go back to those papers yet, but i know that i will have to soon. i just need to gather up more of my strength before i can handle it.

so i really don't know what to say, but i know that this place will hold a lot of my words moving forward. ironic that last week i said i couldn't find my way back to this, and i now have no doubt that this is the place that i will come to so often as i have before.

leaving words here can at times allow me to feel just a tiny bit lighter because i am not carrying all of them by myself any longer.

have a good monday peeps. much love.


  1. You have been in my thoughts so much since last week. You don't know me. I started following your blog because of the couch and your love of Kelly Rae Roberts.

    I wish it were so easy that words could take away the pain you're feeling. I wish that something so simple as words could help. I am so sorry that all I can offer is my words, and that they're terribly insufficient.

  2. I don't know what to say either, and I'm supposed to be a professional at these kinds of conversations. I guess I could say that even though we have not worked together in years, you are frequently in my thoughts. And because of you, I have had lots of things to say to patients about using sunscreen, staying out of tanning salons, doing monthly skin checks, and never, never hesitating on a referral to derm when someone has a concern. And I've often told them I have a friend that is brave, resilient, and lives every moment to the fullest. So, I guess I can say you never have to worry about carrying around your words all by yourself. I will continue to pass them on in the hopes that I can alter the course for someone else in your honor. Good mojo and stay strong.