here is what i know

this is not an entire list -- but here are some things that i currently know.

+++ this last week went by in a flash, included a lot of tears, and moments of just trying to hold on. i just couldn't get back to this space because by the time i had a chance to write at night, i was either an emotional mess or so exhausted (or some combination of both) i just could not get the energy to open my laptop.

+++ my docs are working on getting insurance clearance for the treatments, i expect i will start by mid-may, timing is still tbd until insurance clears and my schedule gets set.

+++ i will get treatment once every three weeks of two high dose immunotherapy drugs. after 12 weeks, one drug will drop off and i will stay on the other drug for the rest of my life.

+++ i might now feel as good physically as i ever will again since i will never have a time that i am not doing treatment (until they find a cure which i am hoping happens asap).

+++ the level of the side effects differ for each patient, but common ones include liver problems, kidney problems, vision problems, weight gain/loss, hair loss, skin rash, blisters (all over), hormone problems (thyroid, adrenal), inflammation of brain, intestine problems. how ironic that the drugs to kick cancer in the ass will also simultaneously kick my ass.

+++ worrying about getting malena into our preferred school district has been a long worry of mine. if you have been reading this blog for awhile, you know that we have transferred her into the district but knew we would eventually have to move. although it is the last thing that would normally make sense for us to do at this time, we are putting our house on the market and we bought a house. there are probably no less then a million reasons why doing this now does not make sense. but there is one reason it does - we found a great house, in the perfect neighborhood where she will be surrounded by friends, and we no longer have to worry about getting her into the district each year on a transfer. it is one thing that can go right for us, and one worry that we can alleviate. we can make this move and start memories together with all three of us in this new house. for that reason, it makes all the sense in the world.

+++ i have been quiet in this space and in real life because i needed time to start to process all of the things that we now have to deal with. what life will be like for me once treatment starts. what it could mean for us if treatment doesn't work (i am thinking positively, but when getting this type of news, you also have to face reality that things may not go your way and you have to think about time and the decisions you need to make).

+++ i am thankful for all of the love of friends and family, it means more than you know to us that whatever this next chapter is going to look like, we won't be turning the pages of it by ourselves. for that i feel so lucky.

+++ melanoma is a f*^#@! (bet you all can figure that one out)

+++ i know that i will have to pick up my boxing gloves again for what will be the hardest bout i have gone through yet. i am still slowly circling the ring and getting my energy and my drive up. but, i will. i know i will. there is simply no other choice.

have a good monday peeps. xoxo