Tuesday, April 22, 2014


the last two nights have been vastly different.

sunday night malena and i had a campout in her room, girls night in sleeping bags. she wanted to have a special campout since it was easter, and so we did. a random sunday night fun night. count me in.

so of course because i was sleeping on the floor i tossed and turned, and then tossed and turned some more. at one point when i woke up, my eyes opened and looked at the nightlight that i bought for her last year. i wanted her to have that heart to look at each night and be reminded in the dark that i loved her. in that moment at about 2:45am, i was so thankful for being in that sleeping bag next to her and for that nightlight.

last night was a polar opposite. i got sick in the afternoon with fever/chills/nausea/muscle aches and was down for the count the rest of the day. a little ball of misery. it almost felt like an interferon kick start, like my body pulled up old memories of how i felt when i was going through treatment. it also made me a bit really anxious that it was something more than a bug, that something was really wrong. but i am better today so i have now almost successfully convinced myself that is must have been a bug. whew.

two weeks from tomorrow is results day. ugh. the usual pattern has begun. stress. anxiety. all of the emotions. the i should have done's. the i wish i would have done's. the i could have done's.  the i promised myself i would have done's. my heart racing because i feel like time is slipping through my fingers and there is just not enough of it. all of the mental games that i play with myself. the second hand ticking so loudly in my brain with everything i do. tick tock. tick tock. all of it coming on like a rushing cancer train that has lots its brakes.

choo choo. 

trying my best to stand back from the tracks.

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