you are the last month. the month before scans. so you are carrying a lot of weight with you.
you managed to sneak up on me pretty fast (the last months always do) and i wasn't quite ready for the toll that you take. the emotions. the stress. the anxiety. the nervous energy. the nightmares.
damn these months before scans are hard, i think that they may get harder for me each time.
i haven't been writing much primarily due do the ongoing cold leaving me with zero energy at the end of the day. the secondary reason is that there are times when this blog reminds me too much of cancer, and on days like these when i am having a tough time, writing here feels like too much.
but i have decided today that i need to kick myself in my own ass. i need to try my best to snap out of the pre-scan funk so that i don't let it take over the entire month.
i am going to focus on slowing down, taking some deep breaths, paying attention to the details of what is around me (like i did when i got the above shot when i was on the oregon coast), spending time with family and friends, eating jelly beans (if you have never had jolly rancher jelly beans they are basically the best thing on the planet -- trust me, you won't regret it. go to the store right now, you are welcome in advance.), celebrating easter with my family, sending happy mail, going on a picnic with barrett and malena (kate -- you sooooooo rock, xo), putting pictures into our photo album, reading, planning for some upcoming events i am excited about, spending time on the dream couch, sleeping more (trying hard to do more of that to make my big bro happy), and the list goes on and on.
basically i am going to knock out the next couple of weeks with as much joy as i can. i will the dark moments have their time, as i would be lying to say they won't still be there. but i won't let them win. i have time that i need to make the most of.
one other thing that i will be doing over the next couple of weeks is continuing to root beth on as she deals with her side effects. she has been out of the hospital now for a couple of days and we hope that trend continues. i thought that i would share her journal entry today as i know that many of you wonder how she is doing.
"This will not be my most uplifting journal entry. This is such a tough road.
I am slowly seeing some improvement, but it is slow. So I am getting so tired of being unstable and the pain and it being hard to get out of the house.
So I am not getting out of the house much at all. I am starting to feel really isolated and it frustrates me. I have always been someone who plans, surrounded by people and activities and it's hard to be so homebound. I miss seeing people, and feel disconnected, I even miss going into work. It feels like I haven't been in the office forever. I am trying to start to do some work at home but it is sporadic.
I really never saw this coming, how bad the recovery will be and how hard the side effects would be. I even caught my doctors offguard. Yesterday I went to see my activity doctor, my coach. Obviously my activity has been limited in the past couple weeks. My walks stopped when the pain got really bad at the end of radiation. And then activity is so limited in the hospital. I move a bit more since getting home but am still not out doing my walks yet. When I started listing my meds I am taking to Dr. Zucker he caught on really quick how hard this has been on me. And said I am definitely on one spectrum of the side effects. That is something I don't get. I have never really questioned why was I the one who got diagnosed with cancer, but I do question why did I get hit so hard with the side effects.
Cancer attacks the body, but it also attacks your mind and spirit. So I am having a tough time right now. And I do find it hard to keep my spirits lifted. I am also getting scared again. I have been focused on getting through the first phase of treatment, but as I look ahead I still have a really long road ahead this year. I may get a little window of feeling better before going into surgery and then there is the pain and other effects of recovering from surgery. Then comes more chemo. This already seems like the longest year ever. I need to figure out how to focus on this is temporary, one year of my life. And at the end of this I better be done with all of this. Cancer doesn't get to take more from me. I am already scared how much it is taking from me now.
There has been some good things. My mouth infection is almost healed, so my body has the ability to heal. I did get out to the grocery store with my friend Nikki today, a little bit of normality. At the hospital they gave me so much IV fluids my legs got all swollen including my feet so I looked like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. The fluid is getting absorbed so my puffiness is going down.
Tomorrow I will get out and see my social worker. Then in the afternoon my in-home nurse will swing by. It's a different one from Monday which is good, so I hope the appointment goes a bit better and is more helpful.
One thing that does lift my spirits is hearing from people. So I appreciate the continued happy mail and messages, and as always your love, support and prayers."
thanks again to those that have and are sending happy mail to beth and mary --- you all rock and as you can tell it is much appreciated. thanks for all of the love, prayers and mojo that you continue to send their way.
i hope that all have a good weekend -- it is two more days, that in itself is enough to be grateful for. xoxo