some other time

"i still find each day too short for all the thoughts i want to think,

all the walks i want to take,

all the books i want to read,

and all the friends i want to see."

(john burroughs)

 

over the last week or so, barrett and i have been kicking around the idea of taking another big trip in october. but in the end we decided yesterday to not book it.

 

living in these three months cycles is hard, and some days are harder than others. today is one of the harder days. i try hard to not let myself get very excited about doing something if i don't actually know that it is going to happen before my next scans. that is one of the main reasons i won't plan major things after my next scan cycle. but the idea of this trip came up unexpectedly and so i guess i hadn't really thought through guarding myself against it. i was just too excited thinking about the possibility of it.

 

so deciding to not take the trip it is a little  pretty rough on me. it isn't a given that we will ever get to take the trip. it isn't like we can say we will definitely take that trip next year. the ability to not make those kind of firm plans, without any doubt kicking in, is a downer.

 

i so wish that i could have the luxury of having the comfort to feel certain that i could take trips in the future anytime i want. all i would have to do is make it happen, book the tickets, make the reservations. i wouldn't have to worry about whether or not there would even be the time to make it happen.

 

some days are better than others. tomorrow will no doubt be a better day.

 

no doubt.

 

two simple words.

 

hard ones to live by sometimes.