weekender

our weekend was a good one - we packed in a lot of fun, and some new firsts.

+++ two campout nights and lazy mornings with cartoons and playing in pajamas
+++ organizing toys with malena deciding which toys were "big girl toys" versus "toys that are for little babies"

+++ watching her have a ton of fun with her friends at a gymnastics birthday party
+++ the start of a new series of her swim lessons, i love watching her swim
+++ putting together a new bookcase and nightstand for her big girl bedroom and seeing her excitement and watching her play for hours
+++ taking her to a movie at the theater for the very first time

+++ taking self-portraits at lunch with our silly faces on

+++ cooking gourmet dishes

+++ family trip to target, with malena insisting on being carried, not realizing that meant that she was going to be carried over barrett's shoulder;)

a lot of great moments together, just the three of us. it was the perfect way to spend this first weekend together after getting the news on wednesday.

all of this is going to be so hard. mixed in with all of the fun this weekend were the moments when i could feel the tears welling up, my throat tightening, and the feeling that the tears were going to start and they would never stop. that feeling came with the firsts of couse, new milestones that signal fresh starts - which makes me about how i want to be here for all of her first starts. but that feeling also came with the million of day to day moments that make up our lives. eating breakfast together. watching cartoons. hearing her say "momma". holding her hand. kissing barrett goodnight and saying i love you's. playing tic tac toe with her while we are waiting for our food to come at lunch. tickle fights. laughter. playing games. every single little and important moment.

it is overwhelming to feel so many strong emotions at the same time. sad. angry. devastated. exhausted. scared (ok, really - really - really scared). paralyzed. emotional. torn. indecisive. unsure. at the same time i know that i need to find hope in the midst of all of this fear and sadness. i have to keep going. we have to keep going. i have no clue how we are going to do this, but we will just have to take it one day at a time. make decisions as we need to, and when the decision feels right. all of that is hard for me because i like to cross things off to do lists, i like to have a plan. my only plan is to do everything i can to fight melanoma and not let is consume every waking second of my life. anything that fits with that plan is good, anything that doesn't is not going to get one second of my time. i was really looking forward to meeting with my counselor, and  when i went to make my appointment on friday, i learned that she is no longer working at scca. she had been my counselor since my original diagnosis. i was so bummed, it was like another punch to the gut. the hits just seem to keep on coming.

i had made a sign on wednesday morning. the plan was that when we got the good news, barrett was going to take a picture of me holding the sign. i was going to text only that picture to my family and friends, and was going to put it on the blog. a simple picture to spread the good news. i finally brought myself to take it out of my bag today and recycle it. that was a tough one. remembering the hope that i had in that moment when i made it, talking about taking the picture with barrett when we were driving to the appointment, etc., all came rushing back. pretty sure i will never make a sign again, it  now feels like a curse i never want repeated.

hello monday, you signal another week of healing, recovery, strength, time for me to dig deep and find hope, moments to capture with friends and family, and a chance to make some new friends (hi to the sweet ladies that commented on my blog posts who have also been touched by stage iv melanoma, i can't thank you enough, and i will be in touch). i thank you in advance for all those good things that you will bring my way this week.

ps) jolainajo - can i get your email so i could follow up with you? tnx.