winter

"in the midst of winter,

i found there was within me an invicible summer."

(albert careb)

 

 

 

this is going to be a really long week around here.

 

lots of waiting. waiting for thursday to come. waiting on thursday for scans to start. waiting on thursday in between scans. waiting from thursday to monday morning for results, which i already feel like i have been waiting for since last tuesday. i am so not a fan of the waiting game.

 

it has been tough around here. i don't want malena to know anything is up or see us upset. but something is definitely up and we are definitely upset. it is hard to put on a strong face all day long, but she is worth and so we do it. there isn't another option, i don't want her to have to know anything until she has to - and i have no idea when i will think that she has to.

 

our weekend included a lot of fun - getting library cards and two trips to the library since she loved it so much, family slumber party downstairs on saturday night around the fireplace, painting pottery for valentine's day gifts, tons of tickle fights, sleep - lucky for me, she slept in which meant i could get some sleep after the sun started to come up, lazy coffee shop visit, movie date night, time in our craft room making cards and getting some fun mail ready to send, shopping at bartells and hitting the jackpot when malena eyed a set of 10 princess chapsticks (she was so excited, a girl after my own heart as i am never far from my chapstick either), chocolate chip pancakes, a good 3 mile run, catching up a bit on life, lots of laughs, visiting her new pre-school (where she will go two days a week until july when she will go there full time, we are still dealing with pre-school drama the other other three days a week, ugh), buying new supplies (hello kitty of course) for her new big girl classroom, adding memories to our 2013 memory jar, and the list of fun goes on and on....

 

it is hard not to think of all of the ways that our lives could go pending the results on monday. it is hard to not think about what it will mean if the results don't go our way, and it is almost so debilitating that i literally feel like i can't breathe in certain moments. i can't tell you in words - though i am sure you can imagine - how completely overwhelming it is to spend any amount of time thinking about your own mortality. but i am trying very hard to also focus on the reality that we don't anything for sure at this point - good or bad.

 

i have a fighting chance, and we all know that i am a fighter.

 

as we went through our weekend, there were moments that were particularly harder than others.

 

going to the library since it is signified a first, and i want to have all of the firsts i deserve to have with her throughout her lifetime.

 

bedtimes are tough, our quiet routine and watching her sleep - i wouldn't trade it but i feel like i literally hear my heart breaking in the silence with the thought of not having a million more bedtimes.

 

going running for the first time since the scan results, wondering if i would get a shot at that 5k i planned on in march. twice my feet just stopped running and started walking, but within about half of a block i kicked my own ass and i ran the rest of the 3 miles.

 

i filled out my calendar for this year with the usual list of birthdays, anniversaries, etc - and it was tough flipping those pages and not knowing what the months would bring.

 

today i read this post on "marta writes" and felt like she was reading my mind and the thoughts that i have had over the last week.

 

her words are a good reminder for everyone to make every single day count.

 

every single day matters.

 

tuesday, here we come...i look forward to the all of the good parts of the day that you are going to bring our way. xo.