miracles

"i believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. i believe in kissing, kissing a lot. i believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. i believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. i believe that tomorrow is another day and...i believe in miracles."

(audrey hepburn)

 

i got the call today on my next round of tests. next thursday i will go in for the round of tests which will take about 5 hours. i am not going to feel well after those because the radioactive solution from the pet scan and the contrast from the ct scan both make me sick to my stomach. plus i will have to fast for i think about 12 hours before the pet scan. i think that it is no water, no food, nothing, zero, nada, zip. need to read my pages of instructions to be sure. as if the tests aren't bad enough,  you have to go in to them on an empty stomach. that is just not right. don't you agree? i knew you would, that is why i like you.

 

the results from those tests will come at 8am the following monday.

 

i still had times of not catching my breath on and off today - pretty sure that is going to continue for a while. i caught myself a couple of times thinking about something that i wanted to do, like buying some stamps i saw that i loved, and then thinking i should hold off and wait. the inclination to wait is that voice that creeps in and says bad news is coming, so don't buy something you may never use. that voice is a tricky little devil, it sneaks in when you don't expect it. i will just have to keep focusing on not hearing or listening to that voice. i have pretty bad hearing to begin with so it shouldn't be that tough;)

 

when malena fell asleep today, i watched her sleep for a while and as you can imagine had some tough moments. lots of tears. i think that no parent should ever have to think about not getting to watch their child grow up. but i know parents that have had to think about that, and parents that have had to know that they won't get that chance due to this beast called melanoma. i know that i need to (and i intend to) stay positive, but it isn't honest to say that i don't have those thoughts. how could i not? i have seen the realities of what can come from melanoma. i shouldn't have to have those thoughts. my friends shouldn't have to have those thoughts or deal with that reality and say goodbye to their children. no one should. the fact that anyone does makes me so sad and so angry and so sick to my stomach. it is not fair. i just don't understand, and never have and never will, why the world has to be full of so much hurt and pain. i guess it is the trade off for so much joy and love.

 

i would never trade the joy and love, but i don't feel like i should ever have to trade anything at all.

 

so i am going to keep taking it breath by breath. but damn, this is hard.

 

but no one ever said this would be easy.

 

if it was easy, it wouldn't be cancer.

 

i really, really hate you cancer.

 

but i will kick your ass.

 

because like audrey, i too believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong.