breath

i feel like i need to catch my breath and the oxygen has been sucked out of the space around me.

i feel like i can barely breathe.

today didn't go as we hoped. not by a long shot.

long story short - the spot on my lung has grown. next steps are to have a full pet scan, a full CT scan, and a brain mri. if those tests show other areas of concern, we will determine path forward. if those tests show the lung is the only area of concern, i will go in for surgery to remove the nodule from my lung. if the nodule is removed and it is melanoma, and they can get it all, then no treatment may be needed. but, that would mean a recurrence which means that my overall chance of recurrence has obviously increased which may not be good news for my overall prognosis. if the nodule is removed and it is not cancer, we will have one hell of a party after i recover from the surgery. so this spot may lead us down a number of paths.

my ideal would be no other spots on the scans, we do surgery and they remove the nodule, it is not cancer, i heal up from surgery, and we have a party. that is my dream end to what today feels like a living nightmare.

i feel scared shitless. 100% terrified.

i feel like i am seeing my life pass in front of my eyes in nanoseconds (yes, i think that i just made that word up).

i feel like i don't want malena to leave my sight.

i feel like that i want to memorize every single second of the minutes i spend with her. every single second.

i feel like i will have to tell malena something about what is going on when we know more. i never wanted her to have to know anything about her mommy not feeling well, having tests, being upset, or being in the hospital.

i feel like i don't know what to do with the next minute.

i feel paralyzed.

i feel like i need to get all of the pictures of our lives in books.

i feel like i am drowning under the weight of the news.

i feel very, very loved.

i feel surrounded by a million good wishes and prayers.

i feel like i will need to dig deep again to get through this.

i feel like i know that i can.

i feel like i need to just focus on taking things day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

i feel my running training schedule just got screwed.

i feel exhausted.

i feel that voice that tells me that i promised from the start of this two years ago that i would never quit.

i feel hope.

thanks for all of the good vibes, prayers, texts, emails, etc. it means more than you could ever know.

i will keep you posted on next steps, i expect i will hear tomorrow on when my tests will be scheduled.

deep breaths. in and out.

xo.