bittersweet

"i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear)."

(e.e. cummings)

 

 

today was a bittersweet day.

 

the best part of our day was malena starting her new preschool today. she will be going there two days a week, and then full time in july. she will still be going to her other preschool the other three days a week (we think, we will see how that actually goes next week). so this morning it was her pick for a special breakfast, and her choice was blueberry pancakes. those pancakes looked and smelled so good, probably even more so than usual since i was already starving by that time. here she is laughing and eating pancakes at the same time, she is super talented (like her mom of course).

 

since we were off work today for the scans, we both got to take her to school for the first day. it was so great to see her make this new start. of course there were tears (from her and us) and some begging to go home, but those quickly ended once we got there. by the time we left she barely noticed and was already totally engaged in the classroom. bittersweet to see her take on this new experience and do so great on her first morning, and to know that she is growing up so fast. another first for her, and another reminder for me of how badly i want to be around for all of her other firsts to come. i am so proud of her for being so brave (like her mom of course). i so wished that i could have picked her up on her first day, but my scans wouldn't allow that to happen. luckily, she had mema and papa to pick her up and take her for ice cream, so life was pretty good for her after preschool.

 

so we rolled over to UW at about 1:30 (and by this time i was really, really hungry) to start scanapalooza. i was laughing on the ride over because i had my "f*ck cancer" shirt on as one of my layers (those scan rooms are cold) with the intention of proudly wearing it once the scans started. wearing it under my sweatshirt felt like my secret super power.

 

so first came the iv in my right arm, blood draw, next came the saline (sucked like usual), and then came the radioactive mumbojumbo (sucked like usual). then came the contrast (sucked like usual) i had to drink for the ct scan, and instead of the usual hour, they wanted me to down both bottles in about 25 minutes (ellie - they gave me a straw, we need to remember to take one next time we are at at scca, it makes it go down a lot faster).

 

after about an hour of that fun, it was time to show off the "f*ck cancer" shirt and walk down to the room with the big scan machine. i was in the scan machine for the pet scan for about an hour and a half. then i had a two minute break to use the restroom before the ct scan started. as i was walking down the hallway, with my shirt on and my iv hanging out of my arm, one of the nurses said "that is an awesome shirt." i said "yep, this is my good luck shirt from wisconsin" and she agreed that it could only bring good luck. little did she know that she had just walked by some major super power energy.

 

for the ct scan, they had to inject contrast into my iv not once, but twice. seriously? that really sucked, because that also meant more saline each time (double suckage). when i was leaving the ct scan, they also gave me the great news that the techs at the brain mri called and said they needed my iv to stay in because...wait for it, wait for it...they also needed to inject contrast into my iv. seriously? yes, seriously.

 

after the ct scan, i was supposed to get a break so that i could eat because by that time it was 5pm. do you think that i got a break? nope, no break. as soon as i got back to the waiting room and was literally reaching for my food, they called me back for the brain mri. not a happy camper.

 

the brain mri is so damn loud they make you wear ear plugs. even with ear plugs, and headphones on with my music playing, it is loud. you are in this super tiny tube (literally your face is like two inches from the top of the machine, good thing i am not claustrophobic), you are strapped in, your head is tied in so tight you can't move it (clearly the point), they have a shield over your face so you look a little bit like a baseball catcher, and it sounds like there is jackhammering happening all around you. i know, you are totally jealous.

 

finally when that one was done, my iv got pulled out and i got the green light to head home. that also meant that i could eat. here is what freedom looked like as i left the waiting area.

 

so it is now 10pm and i so tired. my stomach feels like hell. i am going to bed. i am hoping for some sleep.

 

thanks for all of the good thoughts, prayers, emails, texts, messages, flowers (kp, you rock - they are gorgeous), facebook posts, etc. i love my tribe, and i took each one of you with me today. as the quote above says, anywhere i go you go.

 

i would also like to thank the killers, of monsters and men, and various other musical friends for coming along with me today and keeping me company in those scan machines. you all rock. literally.

 

happy friday peeps, the weekend is here. i would potentially be more excited about this weekend if monday morning results didn't immediately follow it. but that said, i am going to make the most of it. each day is important, and i will keep taking deep breaths....and threatening cancer so that it knows not to mess with me on monday.

 

i am sleeping in my f*ck cancer shirt tonight, between that and my dreamcatcher, i think cancer will be on notice and won't try to pull anything over on me in the dark.

 

best news last, my friend kerry's mom got great scan results today that her brain tumor has not grown. with patty and greta, those are two good rounds of cancer results this week. i am hoping to round that out to three on monday.

 

enjoy your weekend. xoxo