it's that time again

scan week is here. ugh.

tuesday afternoon i will go in for a ct scan that will cover basically my hips up through my neck. i will check in around 2 and my scan starts at 4. i have to start fasting earlier in the day so i will be hungry by scan time. i will also have the pleasure of getting to not only taste saline when they put in iv in my arm but to also drink an enormous amount of contrast liquid in between when i am checked in and when the scan starts. when they give you a bottle of liquid, and they give you an hour to drink it, you know that you are in for a good time. so send me good vibes around 4 on tuesday.

wednesday afternoon at 3 we get the results. good vibes will obviously be appreciated around that time as well.

if all goes ok with scan results, i am going to head off on thursday morning for a solo trip for a few days. more about that later this week.

next monday i have an appt with my dermatologist. i noticed last week that a mole had started to raise a little and i don't like the color of another one on my arm. i was supposed to see my derm in february but i have moved that up because i didn't want to wait that long to see him since two moles cause me concern.

so hopefully the scan will have results that don't require any immediate actions or concerns, and even if the derm has to take some biopsies (which would mean more stitches and scars) hopefully the results come back ok. if all goes well, i might have a solid couple of months without cancer related appointments. which is exciting and scary for me at the same time. it makes me anxious to go very long without seeing my oncologist and my derm. even more so for my oncologist because the scans allow us to see what i can't see with my own two eyes. time passing without scans also makes me nervous because i wonder if it is time with cancer on the move and we don't know it.

this round of scans and tests (as they all do) has me really anxious. i can't concentrate for more than about two seconds (writing this blog update will hold my attention more than anything else has today). i am stressed. i am nervous. i am exhausted. i am not sleeping well (which hasn't changed in the last two months) but doesn't help when i am ramped up on so many other emotions. i did get a quick nap today and i actually powered down, since it was daytime that helped. my stomach feels like it is in knots.  my mind wanders off even when i am around people i should be interacting with. i am really short tempered. i am very emotional and can cry over nothing, as has happened about five times today i think (i am sure that barrett knows exactly how many times). i can't even get through writing this without tearing up. in short, i am kind of a walking wreck.

it is ironic because with all of this going on with me, i find that i only like to talk about the scans and how i am feeling when i feel like talking about. it would seem like since it is the main thing on my mind that i would want to talk about it. but unless i feel up to it, talking about it just makes me more anxious. maybe that is because there is so much going on in my head that verbalizing thoughts outside is just too much for me to handle unless i know that i can do it without turning into a total mess (which is ok to do but sometimes only makes me more upset than i already am).

as i get back into gear with my elliptical, i have been catching up on my magazine reading (my favorite thing to do while i work out is to read magazines - i absolutely can't stand watching the minutes drag by right in front of my eyes). as i was reading a recent one, two things stood out to me.

one was this quote:

"we will all die, & the evidence
is: nothing after that.
honey, we don't rejoin.
the thing meanwhile, i suppose,
is to be courageous & kind"
- from "message", john berryman

the second was this article which was a good reminder that even on the days when things don't go according to plan, there are miracles all around if you look for them.

i will write an update tuesday night after my scans and will let you know how the day went.

bring on my i-am-hungry-and-my-scan-is-done celebratory cinnamon bears.