fake ceilings

last friday i went to the dentist. usual routine at the start. then she put the chair back and this is what i saw (not sure what is up with the streaks, but couldn't get the picture to turn out without those yellow lines). fake ceiling tiles. you know how i feel about those. all of a sudden, my heart started to race and i felt like i was lying on the scan table. didn't see that coming. i have obviously been to the dentist since i was diagnosed.  i don't think that i really paid that much attention to the tiles before since i was so used to seeing them while i was in the constant rotations of scans. since i now have a few months off from scans, i had already kind of shut down for a while the familiarities of what i feel like during scans. my heart racing made me realize i will never again go to the dentist without thinking of my scans. i really don't go anywhere without taking cancer with me. no reason the dentist office should be any different i guess. and so it goes....

the lasts

last weekend we said goodbye to malena's binky. we should have said goodbye to it a while ago, but for different reasons (one being in the last year i wanted her to be able to keep something in her routine that brought her comfort), we kept the binky for naptime and bedtime. last weekend presented the perfect opportunity to say goodbye since the binky was starting to tear. so the binky fairy came (tnx pattersons for the idea) at night and gave malena a new dora dvd in exchange for the binky so the fairy could give it to another baby who needed it. it worked. the first night was rough (and that is downplaying how it went), but it has been a non issue since. whew.

i go in to check on malena every night before i go to bed. it is the very last thing i do each day. my nightly routine that she doesn't even know about. early last week, when i went in to check on her, it hit me. i would never again go into her room and see her asleep with her binky in her mouth. she looked like such a big girl. i started to cry. i realized in that second that i didn't realize, or really let the moment sink in, when i saw her for the last time with her binky in - which was such a part of our routine for so long.

i think that the tears that came were for that moment i had missed, but then i realized all of the other lasts that i had also missed. well, i didn't miss them actually, i just didn't realize that i was in that particular moment. i didn't capture it in pictures, nor can i recall them perfectly in my mind. the last time she crawled before she walked. the last time that i saw her laying in her crib. the last time that she was standing up in her crib waiting for me to pick her up. the last time that she drank out of a sippy cup. the last time that we bathed her in her newborn tub. the last time she played with each of her baby toys. the last time that she sat in her boppy chair. the last time she ate baby food. the last time that she wore a bib. the last....

i am admittedly more sensitive to time now, how quickly it passes and how much life there is to fit into each day. how many moments there are to remember and cherish. so now (i thought i was before, but realized on that night that i was not doing as good of a job as i can do) i will do my best to pay attention to the lasts as much as i do the firsts. the firsts don't happen without the lasts, they are both equally important and i want to capture as many of them as i can.

in the meantime, there have been some more firsts this week...
~ our first trip to paint away to try out painting on pottery, she rocked it and i loved getting to watch her paint her little heart out for a special little project

~ we ate ice cream (with m&m's and sprinkles) before 11am - and it was so good.



~ the first time she addressed her own valentines, and yes, as you may have guessed, they are dora;)

now another week of new firsts, any maybe some lasts, begins. how sweet it is.

sidenotes (you love these, right?):
- jill, your valentines are on the way, congrats again on being the card giveaway winner. here is just a teaser of the theme of the valentines.

- i really loved - and totally identified with - this list from marta writes - i didn't just graduate from high school? really? bummer.
- i also really appreciated this article that reminds me to try and keeping looking forward as much as i can
- for the ladies, if you would like to get an inspiring email in your inbox on a daily basis, you should sign up to get these (i know what i am talking about, right jen? xoxo). jen also highly recommends getting these notes from the universe (she is very smart, so you should probably trust her on this).
- if you like pizza (and i know you do) here is a quick recipe that barrett invented that has become a regular in our house: all you need is pizza crust, add a mix of pesto and a basalmic dressing as your sauce on the crust, pile on chicken/mozzarella/spinach/tomatoes and some feta on the top. tonight we added some peppers. so good. every time. you are welcome.

and the giveaway goes to....

jill;) woohoo! i will send your valentines out to WI this weekend so you have plenty of time to send them out for the big day.

if you want to see the custom artwork i had made for my parents anniversary check this out.

wednesday, you are so close. even tho you bring with you meetings every minute (and i mean every minute) of my day from 7:30am-7pm, i appreciate you bringing me one day closer to friday. for that i am thank you.

happy mid-week peeps.

really monday, give me a break

oh monday, sometimes you are a real pain in the arse.

first, i about broke my butt as i ice skated from my car to the bus this morning. i had to pull a couple of triple axles (totally kristy yamaguchi style) to make it, but i finally did. awesome way to start the morning (as if the 5am alarm going off was not fun enough). ugh.

second, long day at work for many different reasons. ugh.

third, left work to head out for a doctor appointment (don't worry, not cancer related) and had to grab a bus. which i did on time. and it was standing room only, at 3:30pm, that is not ok. however the driver took a wrong turn for part of the route which put us in crappy traffic and delayed us for about 20 minutes. ugh.

fourth, i got off of the bus to find that - wait for it, wait for it - i couldn't get into the driver side of my car because someone had parked too close to me. across the line. so livid at this point. i had to climb in from the passenger side, and i could barely get the door open on that side. so glad that i took the time to ensure that i was parked right in the middle of the parking spot this morning. before i stepped out and almost broke my butt. ugh.

fifth, i drive to my doctor appointment. they are 40 minutes late calling me into the appointment. there is not enough time for me to finish the appointment before i have to leave to get malena. i then have to make another appointment for next week. seriously. ugh.

so all in all, it was a monday. but then i got to pick up malena and things started to turn around. she chatted me up for the entire ride home. we had a good dinner and she entertained barrett and i with her funny mannerisms.

i also took a deep breath and thought that today could have been a shot night, but it wasn't.

i didn't just get my you-know-what kicked for the last year for no reason. i did it to have more days - which includes the ones where i am climbing in my car from the passenger side as well as the ones where malena talks to me about cars "tripping on the ice because it is slippy". or the days when both happen, like today, all in all a good balance.

perspective.

(sidenote) for those of you who told me that you can't comment on the blog and wanted to enter for the card giveaway, try one of two things. one...try writing a comment and include your name in the comment and use "anonymous" as the "comment as" selection for how to post it. two...try writing a comment and include your name in the comment and use "name/url" as the "comment as" selection. one of those two things should work, i double checked my settings to make sure that anyone should be able to submit a comment on the blog. if it still doesn't work, let me know - it must be a techie thing on my end that i am not smart enough to figure out. good luck:)

love list

it has been an interesting couple of days around here. snowpalooza came and went (well, the snow is still around in our neighborhood) as did our power. but we were lucky ones as we weren't out for as many days as some friends (and as some friends continue to be - hang in there sasha).

malena was pretty excited to wake up each day and check out what had happened outside during the night.

but even with the craziness of the last couple of days, there are many things on my list of things that i loved about the last couple of days....

~ loved the ability to have a gas fireplace (even tho the fan didn't work to actually produce very much heat) when the power was out so that malena could take a nap next to even just a little bit of heat

~ loved the estradas being the hanson's snowzilla emergency shelter so we could keep malena warm

~ loved hearing good scan results for a friend (woohoo sharon!!!!)

~ loved my baking date night with malena producing some awesome chocolate chip cookies and toffee bars - both super yummy (jill - so fun knowing that you and colton were also have a baking date night!)

~ loved finding the perfect additions to the great pieces that i found at red door in olympia years ago and are the centerpiece of our dining room table. i am also loving green being the focus of our dining area. green just makes me happy.

~ loved having a saturday craft date with malena, michelle and alexis to make valentine's at paper source in bellevue, one of my favorite stores. ever. we crafted it up and had some good girl time while cutting, glueing, and decorating.

~ loved the gf food at the matador - so, so good. definitely a new favorite. fajitas and reisling. it doesn't get much better than that. yuuuuuuum.
~ loved getting to celebrate a friend's birthday as he rings in another - and hopefully another one filled with good health - year (hi lisa;))
~ loved the french toast that my mom made for breakfast this morning on some new gf cinnamaon bread she found for me.
~ loved getting to swim with malena and watch her swim almost half the distance of the pool all by herself, our little mermaid
~ loved the power nap that i got this afternoon
~ loved reading this article (jill, i saw you post this one as well) that reminds me to not be tough on myself when i don't/can't embrace every single moment with malena each day
~ loved the thoughts in this sentimental clutter inspired article, gave me thoughts on how to both hold on and let go of those things that carry special meaning
~ loving the thought of making these for breakfast, have a feeling they may be on the "new recipe" list in 2012

with all of these things that i have loved and am grateful for, i have decided it is time for another card giveaway. if you leave a comment on this blog update (for those of you that get blog updates via email, you will need to actually go to the blog to leave a comment - and if you can't do that for some reason, let me know as i think i fixed the problem that wouldn't allow some to leave comments). i will send the winner 6 homemade valentines cards (with stamped envelopes) so that you can send them on in february for someone you love. leave a (marcie, "a" means "one", not two or three like last time:)) comment by 5pm on tuesday and i will announce the winner on a wednesday update.

happy monday peeps, another week of all new adventures begins. here we go.

yes please

graphic via pinterest

after i was diagnosed with celiac disease, my love for eating thin mint girl scout cookies came to a sudden - and very sad - end. it has been almost 5 years (aka an eternity) since i have ate a thin mint cookie. i always drool (and i do think i might literally drool) when i see those green boxes when the big sale is on. those girl scouts make me walk by them (and i think that they secretly know how much i love those thin mints) and i always buy some and then give them to someone else who can eat them. might as well share the love if i can't eat them myself, right? but my life has again taken a turn for the better. i saw this recipe today and you know i am going to whip some up soon. they are definitely on the list of new recipes that will make an appearance this year. drooling now just thinking about how good they will taste. i will keep you posted on my success. maybe i will post a pic of myself with chocolate all over my face and you will know immediately what i have been up to. i might have sweet dreams of thin mints tonight. i can only hope.

the new recipe that we will make this week is these toffee bars. malena and i are going to have a friday night baking date night. can't wait. i love the packaging idea that marta includes in her post but figure that i should probably make sure that i can crank out an edible batch before i get too carried away with cool ideas on how i can share them.

remember how i committed to a new recipe every week? well this week it looks like i will exceed my own expectations. tonight i made chicken with seasoning cooked in this salsa and it turned out awesome. that salsa is a current favorite in our house right now, found it when i went on this trip to the christmas store. since that trip, we have been back twice to buy more salsa before they ran out. i also whipped up some homemade sweet potato baked chips with feta and seasoning with some olive oil added in for good measure. glad that it turned out so well since i was making it up while i cooked. tonight's dinner will definitely be repeated. with the toffee bars, we are looking at two new recipes this week - maybe three if i wake up at midnight and make those thin mints;)

feeling a little bit more healed each day. loving that.

more firsts

in the last couple of days...

first snowman.
first snow angel.
first snow days together due to daycare being closed.
first trip to metropolitan market for lunch to share some cheese and fruit.
first night of playing in the snow in the backyard with only the deck light to see by.
first time throwing snowballs.

while thinking of these firsts, i read "they grow up soon enough" by karen maezen miller - perfect timing.

also perfect timing, i got an email from my favorite australian resident (hi kristy!) with the link to this super cute (free!) download, i am definitely going to print this and put it in malena's room. fabulous words for her to see everyday as she grows.

i hope that she will always remember.

i know i will.

until then.....

good...actually, great news today. i had my derm appt and he did not need to take any biopsies (not even one!!!) - that has not happened since i have known him. so happy. that means that i am officially cancer-related-appointment free (unless something goes wrong which we all know it won't, right?) until july when the next round of appts begins. just like this month, july will include my scans and my derm appt so it will be another stressful month. i will also turn 37 (how is that possible??) in july, but will also mark two years from diagnosis (love that it is possible!). i can't tell you how relieved i am but i am sure you can guess. feel like i have to immediately gear up my own homeland security program (watching for my moles changing, etc.) for another round. but i am up for that. beats the alternative. i am hopeful that i will get some good sleep tonight, last night was one of the most brutal runs of back to back nightmares that i have had in a long time. i would love to heave the nightmares out on the back deck so that when the snow melts the nightmares do too. might have put on my snow pants and try that. right after i try to take a quick nap.

oh july, there are so many things i have planned until i meet up with you....just you wait.

recharged

for my solo trip, i headed to alderbrook. if you have never been, you have to go. it is the perfect place to unwind. it is on the south end of hood canal and even though it only takes two hours to get there, it feels like you have officially left the craziness of the daily grind far behind. we first went to alderbrook the weekend right before i started my high dose treatments and went back again a couple of times over the last year to celebrate treatment milestones (the 3 and 6 month marks). we were going to go back there to celebrate the end of treatment but instead headed north to a different resort. that felt right at the time. i didn't feel like going back to the place we went right before treatment started was where i should go when it was over. i felt like i needed a new start. but for this trip, it felt like it was the right place for me to be. in some ways, i felt like i was going back to show that girl who was there a year ago and scared out of her mind that she made it. definitely shaken up, scarred inside and out, but still alive and kicking - and grateful for all of the good that came out of the bad. i felt like i owed it to her - and to myself now - to go back. it was hands down the right place for me to be. i knew in my heart it would be from the moment i decided to take this trip.

to start thursday out, i got a haircut (more on that in another update this week), ate some of my favorite frozen yogurt (picture below makes me drool just thinking about it), and hit some of my favorite card stores along the way. i got to listen to my music the entire way (no dora for the entire trip) which was so fun (kris - i blasted "walk on" by u2 in your honor).

i rolled into alderbrook later on thursday afternoon and just as i was heading around the last curve in the road i caught this pic of the olympics. one of the other things that i love about going to alderbrook is the drive along the canal. it is gorgeous every time.

i settled in and then went down to the restaurant for dinner. i don't remember the last time that i had dinner in a restaurant by myself. i cozied up with my mingle magazine that i hadn't got a chance to read entirely yet, got super inspired to throw some fun parties, and ate awesome food. turns out i don't need someone to split a creme brulee with me, i can eat a whole one by myself;) yum. that night i got 9 hours of interrupted sleep. i did not wake up once. i did not have one nightmare. that has not happened since before thanksgiving. i felt so rested on friday morning, i have really missed that feeling. a lot.

on friday morning i awoke to the canal being completely covered with fog. i had hoped to take some pics of the olympics as the view from alderbrook is pretty inspiring. nonetheless, i headed out into the fog and stayed outside for a couple of hours walking some trails and spending time out on the water. it felt so good to be outside. breathing fresh (cold) air. hearing only the stream moving by me. loved that. nerd (tnx nerd!) is letting me borrow her big girl camera to see how i like it before i make the move to buy one for myself. so fun to get to try it out.

on my way back out to the water, i walked through the main lodge and they still had their holiday decorations up. they must have had a gingerbread competition too. the big gingerbread house was pretty amazing. i saw the little dora one and decided that was a sign from malena that she too thought i was in the right place. i so wanted to take that wooden horse home with me. i figured that i might look suspicious trying to carry it out of the lobby so i probably should not try it. but boy was i tempted.

 

next i headed out to the water. the fog was still really low and i couldn't see across the canal, in fact, i couldn't see past the dock. the water was filled with ducks out for their morning laps, and it was so quiet that their conversations were the only words i heard. it was really peaceful. i enjoyed every second of it, and loved being able to take my time as i had nowhere to be but there and time was on my side.

next i headed back to the lodge and took a couple of pictures on my way, the grounds of the lodge are beautiful too.

then i took a couple of hours to work on something that was one of the main reasons i wanted the time. i found this kelly rae roberts journal a month or so ago and knew it was the perfect one for me to take on this trip.

during some of the darker times over the last year, i thought about who would miss me if i was gone and what they would remember about me. it was a good reminder for me to focus on what is really important. as i said in one of the blogs around the new year, i am going to spend more time in this year focusing on what is really important. it is not working my usual 60+ a week, which i know won't be the primary thing that people would remember about me. it would be that i remember their birthday, or the anniversary of the day that i saw them get married, the day they lost their parent, a card i sent to just say i love you, a message to say i believe in you, etc. it is just simply knowing that i loved them. as maya angelou has said "people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." so i wrote down all of the things that i want to focus on and do, and it felt so good to see all of those thoughts make their way out of my head and on to the paper. can't wait to get started - or to keep making my way - on that list.

there was a skipping stone on my pillow and i knew as soon as i saw it on thursday what i would do with it on friday. after i got my thoughts out, i spent time thinking about some of the things that i wanted to move on from. some would be obvious to you from reading my thoughts on this blog, others are things only i will ever know. i made a mark on the skipping stone for each of those things that i wanted to let go of and headed back to the water. when i say let go of, it doesn't mean that i won't talk about them or think about them. but it does mean that i will have let go of their weight so that i don't feel them holding me down anymore.

as i headed back out onto the dock, the seagulls seemed to know i was coming and were quietly waiting. it felt so good to skip that rock out into the water, and to see it go underneath when just those last circles of ripples were the only thing left.

when i got back off of the water, i headed to the spa for a massage. when you approach the spa doors, you hear gentle music playing and it just lures you in. i am not sure if it was because i was so relaxed, or if because the massage therapist just rocked, or both - but it was hands down the best massage i have ever had. i didn't want to leave, but didn't want to get kicked out for making a scene so went on my way after it was done. awesome. awesome.

by the time that i left the spa, i could see all of the lights glistening from the main lodge and i knew what i would do next.

i grabbed my where women create magazine and my book and hunkered down in a chair by the main fireplace in the lobby. i got blissed out on all of the creative ideas in the magazine. i got itchy for time in my craft room. it also made me think about all of the big dreams i have - like opening an etsy shop to sell my cards. who knows, maybe this is the year. i then headed for dinner and read my book and enjoyed the killer food. as i was eating, a table next to me had a couple of people sitting at it and it was odd because i could tell from their conversation that they didn't know each other. what i soon realized was that they were there to surprise a mutual friend for her birthday, and surprise her they did. she was so surprised and excited, it was so great to see that absolute pure joy when her face lit up and you could tell that some of her favorite people showed up when she least expected it. so fun to see. and yes, i ate a creme brulee again all by myself. and it was just as good as the first one. i deserve to eat it all myself, right? i thought so too. glad we agree.

i didn't get a lot of rest the second night which was disappointing. but i did get a couple of hours (while it was still dark) without a nightmare so that was good. i will take it. i got up this morning and was ready to return home, i had done what i needed to on the trip.

i have thought a lot over the last year about what life has been trying to tell me with this diagnosis and i will never really know. but, some of the possible reasons that i feel pretty confident in are that i needed to work less, slow down, catch my breath, really appreciate (i did before but i do even more so now) every minute that i have with family and friends because the moments go so fast, and to be thankful for every day i get to have. it may also be that i was diagnosed so that the person who reached out to me with a new diagnosis this week doesn't have to feel alone (jennifer s - thank you for being that person for me, i will never forget that morning at starbucks and feeling like if you could do it i could do it - and we did it). maybe it is so that i would write this blog and give some insight into how cancer affects you when it hits out of nowhere at 35 when you feel like life is still just starting to get really good, and isn't supposed to be filled with thoughts of it all ending.

whatever the reason, i will take from it all that i can.

and....just as important, i will keep moving forward.

relief

"be like a bird, who, halting in her flight on a limb too slight,

feels it give way beneath her, yet sings knowing she has wings"

(victor hugo) 

today was a great day. the news from the scan was good. no changes that cause concern. no more scans until this summer. awesome. it was such a relief, i literally feel lighter. i know that it was also a huge relief for everyone sending me good vibes from near and far and i couldn't be more more thankful for all of the support i have received. i am a very, very lucky girl. i remember and am grateful for that every second of every day.

monday is my dermatologist appointment and we will see if there is anything that makes him nervous. if there is, we will have some more results to wait on. but that is monday. there is a lot of time between now and then and i plan to enjoy every second of it.

tomorrow morning i will head out for my solo trip to the peninsula for a couple of days. i will fill you in on the details when i come back, and will try to take some pictures along the way. i have needed some solo time for what seems like a long time now. i need to catch my breath. it is hard to do that with all of the other things on my plate. it is time for a quiet recharge. i am not going away from anything or anyone,  it is more like going towards something. giving myself a little bit of time to heal. focus on the year ahead. let go of some things from the last year. embrace the realities of my life now. grieve some of the things that have been lost along the way. feel my wings again. appreciate that i have been given more time.

more time.

two words that i never knew before my diagnosis could sound so, so good.

so it will be a few days before you hear from me again. in the meantime, have a great weekend peeps. i hope that you do something fun just because you can. just because you should. just because you deserve it (you know you do and so do i). just because you have the time.

make the time.

everything else can wait.

trust me.

bearless in seattle

another scan day done. whew.
so the gift shop at scaa is only open for limited hours because it is staffed by volunteers. so on scan days i get my cinnamon bears before i go up for my scans because they aren't open by the time i am done. today i did my usual routine and walked in right before i needed to head up for my scan. my friend megan sent me a dollar all the way from california for me to specifically buy my bears with since she couldn't be with me to do it herself. but when i walked in i could see right away that the shelf where my bears normally are was bare. no bears. devastation. i didn't see it coming but i started to cry. i immediately felt it was a really bad omen for the scan. the women volunteering felt so bad for me, they even triple checked but they didn't have any in the back. no luck. so off i went to my scan with no bears. crappy start.

next i checked in for the scan and got my patient bracelet and filled out my paperwork.

i was then called back to the radiology section. first up is putting in my iv. you know i love that. got to taste the saline when they cleaned the line after taking my bloodwork. i got my liquid that i had to drink in one hour. two big containers of berry flavored yuckiness. i hate that stuff. an hour seems like a long time to drink two containers of liquid, but it is not a long time to drink this stuff. every.sip.sucks.and.it.feels.like.forever.

while i was drinking my special potion, i checked out people magazine and listened to music (thanks hooch for the new tunes). i would have loved to read the new book i started, but i can't concentrate before scans so magazines allow me to just visually skip around and not have to really pay attention to what i am reading.

next it was scan time. i always use the restroom before ct scans for two reasons: i just drank an enormous amount of liquid, and injecting the contrast always makes me feel like i am peeing on myself so i take extra precaution to ensure that doesn't happen. when i went to the restroom, i realized that i had put my sweat pants on inside out. seriously, how do i get myself dressed and out of the house everyday? i don't know either.

then i sat in a long hallway while they prepped the room for me. long. lonely. hallway. that is not a good place to be before you go in for a scan. you would think they would know that.

when they do the scan, they inject contrast solution into my iv. the contrast solution makes organs, blood vessels, and tissues more visible. but it also makes your entire body go from regular temperature to a very, very warm feeling inside your entire body. it is the strangest sensation and makes me teeter on the point of getting sick. when the sensation reaches my hips, it feels like i am peeing on myself. they tell me that others have the same problem, hopefully that is true and not something they just tell me to make me feel better. i still feel my pants every time i am done before i get off of the table just to make sure that i didn't have an accident. no accident this time either. thank goodness.

here are those ceiling tiles that i hate.

i then headed back to the waiting room and got my water and cheese, i was hungry since i had to fast for the scan. next thing i know the front desk attendant came in and handed me gummy bears and hot tamales that had been left for me. there was a little note from my dear friend ellie who had brought them to me since i had told her in a text message that there were no cinnamon bears. as you can imagine, i started to cry. i was able to catch (meaning i walked to the lobby, not ran with my iv in) ellie before she left and she stayed and chatted with me while i waited out the rest of my time in recovery. what an awesome, awesome, awesome surprise. they make me wait 30 minutes after the ct scan to ensure that i don't have an adverse reaction to the contrast injection and then my iv gets taken out. i had a good friend (ellie, the pic of us didn't turn out, long story) and good gummy bears to finish off my scans. big love. couldn't have been better.

when i got home, my mom had whipped up some tacos for dinner and had picked up some of my favorite gf snickerdoodle cookies from my favorite gf bakery. yum.

i also had a gorgeous arrangement of flowers waiting for me (thank you estradas).

when the mail was brought in, i had an awesome card from ellie that she had sent as fun mail (little did she know she would come to my gummy bear rescue). it is a card from curly girl design (you know i love those) and says "the world is full of people who will go their whole lives and not actually live one day. she did not intend on being one of them." love the card. love the sender. love the kind words inside.

i also got to hang out with my fam and to catch some sleep for about an hour. the stress had caught up to me, the lights were all on and there was plenty of background noise thanks to malena and dora. my stomach needed some rest as the liquid and the contrast never leave me feeling too well.

all in all, another scan done. a day filled with a lot of love and support through good vibes from peeps who love me and are sending me their good mojo. a girl couldn't really ask for more.

well....maybe just one more ask....good results tomorrow.