where we go from here

so a little more on the results.

obviously, my dream scenario would have been that the tumors had shrunk -- a total dream scenario would have been that they were gone.

but that wasn't in the cards for today, i guess that news will hold for a date to come.

the worst scenario would have been that the tumors had increased, i am beyond thankful that they did not grow. although mentally it would seem like the one dose had been been doing something to work on the melanoma if the tumors had shrunk, it may very well be that the drugs were working and that is why the tumors didn't grow. we won't know that. one of the million unanswered questions that comes from cancer, the not knowing the why or what ifs or the how comes.

but here is what i do.

tomorrow morning i go down one dose on steroids. my liver levels are still higher than normal and need to keep coming down. i will stay on this level through next monday when i will go back in again for bloodwork. we will take it from there and see if we can do down again or maintain at the current level. i am going to stay on the antiobiotic because i am having to stay on the steroids for so long which compromises by immune system and getting pneumonia is a threat. the antibiotics help to make sure that doesn't happen.

when the time comes that i get off of the steroids, we will take a few weeks off to make sure that my liver doesn't start to have issues again.

then we will restart treatment, one drug at a lower dose, to see if my body can tolerate it (let's all start sending my body vibes now so that it is prepared to kick ass again when that time comes).

so, in the meantime, i will continue to take the meds i am supposed to take. i will continue to live with the side effects. i was walking downtown today and my legs hurt and i realized that i have already started to forget what it feels like to not hurt anymore. that time before treatment started when i said that it was the best i was going to feel again was right. but if all of this gives helps kick melanoma's ass then it is worth it. all of the pains. the aches. the muscle spasms in my legs, feet, and now my hands. all worth it if we can kick these tumors where it hurts the most.

so at the end of this day (which seems like a marathon since i barely slept at all last night per usual on result nights), i am feeling thankful. the tumors didn't grow. that is something to be super thankful for. i have awesome doctors who i can't imagine doing this without. i am surrounded by my great family who i adore, and a village of friends (some i know, and some i haven't even met in person but have become friends nonetheless through this crazy cancer journey), and i am supported every day in a million different ways to keep going with this fight.

so onward i go.

thanks for coming along today.

and for all the days to come.

and to be clear, i plan on a hell of a lot of them, so plan on sticking around with me for a while.

xo