angry

i got an email today informing me that a young mom whose fight with melanoma i have followed is now having hospice care.

it makes me so angry.

it is just not fair.

i am so sick and tired of cancer.

i am tired of anyone having to fight cancer.

i am tired of all of the pain and heartache it brings.

i am tired of how much it messes up lives.

i am tired of the tears, the heartache.

i am tired of being brave.

i am tired of always having cancer swirling around and trying its best to invade memories.

i am tired of having to tell strangers our story, like we had to do today when we submitted paperwork for a school district transfer.

i am tired of having a story. well, we all have stories, i am just tired of the part of mine that includes cancer.

i am tired of looking at my scars.

i am tired of time moving so fast.

i am tired of trying to hold on to it so tightly.

i am tired of being so damn scared.

i am tired of thinking about going to the melanoma symposium again this year and hearing the inevitable statistics that are always part of the day.

i am tired of having to always buy insurance anytime i want to fly or do something that occurs after my next round of scans. because i might need a surgery, or more scans, or treatment. so i can't just book things anymore without thinking through all of the risks. i can't even sign up for a half-marathon without hedging my bets.

i am tired of the looks that i sometimes get from someone that hasn't seen me in a while, and when they ask how i am, i can immediately tell through their eyes and their body language that they are thinking (in a super nice way) about the cancer.

i am tired of always having to wonder what the future will bring our way.

i am tired of not being able to take my health for granted.

i am tired, and i am angry.

i hate cancer.

i do everyday, but there are days that i hate it with every single cell that i have.

today is one of those days.

so i am going to channel those feelings into good vibes and prayers and send them out into the winds.

to her and her family.

bless them all.