carrying on

if i would have had scans at the three month mark this round, i would be getting scan results tomorrow morning.

but that morning will occur three months from tomorrow.

i anticipated that coming up on this three month mark was going to be pretty rough. the anxiety over not knowing whether something is going wrong. the absolute fear that the melanoma is on a silent march across my organs. the worry that the spots on my lungs are growing in size. the doubt that creeps in, the should we have, the would we have, the should we still, the will we have regrets...

these last few weeks have felt like i was preparing for scans. it is like my body and emotions have gone into remote control as if they know that it should be a scan week and are confused why we aren't going through the normal routine. the stress. the tears. the late nights because i just can't seem to get calm down enough to go to bed. the constant feeling like i need to be on the move or doing something. the exhaustion. all of my usual scanxiety trends coming on strong.

i went for a run tonight and thought about interesting it is how life changes. i told malena that i was going to go for a "short run" which now means about a three mile run (you know, basically like forrest gump). i was remembering back to the days when i was training for the 5k run, and at that time running three miles was a goal that i trained for over several months. now that is the distance i run at night when i want to get out and get a short one in to help wrap up my day.

that run felt good and was a needed reminder for myself that through all of this, i keep fighting. in a million different ways, i keep moving forward.

but, that is what fighters do, they keep moving forward.

just like beth did today as she started chemo. she made it through the day, tired after it turned into a longer day that was longer than was expected with complications she wasn't expecting. but she made it. she came home with the pump so the chemo can continue to enter her system over the next day. she has started and is one day closer to the end of treatment.

just like sharon did today as she met with the liver specialist regarding the tumor that showed up in her scans. she is going to have two rounds of chemo laser to "burn the shit out of the tumor" (those were the doctors words and i think that they are pretty awesome words) and then two more rounds of chemo. she starts thursday at 7:45am and has chemo for five hours. so she will start and be one day closer to the end of treatment.

just like chaser who is showing strength in his neck and has rotated his head to face his dad recently "as if he wanted look me in the eyes and say something- which I know will come someday."

so in the meantime, we will all keep carrying on.

carry on continues to be my theme song and the one i go to on a regular basis when i need to ground myself a bit. my most favorite version is the acoustic one that my good friend michael recorded for me, but i keep that version all to myself;)

have a good wednesday peeps.

keep on carrying on. xo