why?

some days are easier than others.

when we were making dinner tonight, malena told us that her teacher was going to have a baby and so the baby was growing in her tummy. that was the first time that she has talked about a baby in that way - never before had she made the connection to where babies come from. she then asked me if i was going to have a baby growing in my tummy. the excitement in her question was palpable. she loves, loves babies.

in that second following her question, i felt like the wind had got knocked out of me and that i was going to immediately start bawling.

i literally felt like i had to catch my breath. i told her that i didn't know if i would ever have another baby growing in my tummy. of course, she asked why not. the "why?" questions are endless these days. i told her that i just wasn't sure. there are of course a million things that i wish i could tell her about why that is such a hard question for me to answer, and how she had no idea how much i wish that i could answer that question with a simple yes.

i made it through dinner with tears randomly falling. but when i finished, i told barrett i needed some time. i went upstairs, curled up in a ball in the dark, and cried my eyes out. i can't even write this without the tears falling.

that conversation with her probably lasted less than 15 seconds, but it felt like time was standing still.

i just wasn't ready for that question, i never would have been regardless of when it came. i know it won't be the last time that we talk about it so i need to brace myself for the next time. i think that it was especially tough today because i had thought a lot yesterday about siblings. malena and i played all day yesterday. throwing a party for her animals. pretending we owned a vet office and cleaned all of her stuffed animals - like 5 times each (times 15 animals). playing store. on and on. i love playing with her. but part of me thought about how much i wish that she had a brother or sister to play with too. i thought about that when i went to sleep last night and today when i was at work. so no suprise that i lost it when the question came from her tonight.

some days are tougher than others.