100

100 posts. how did that happen? i remember when i started last summer and thought that maybe i would do it through the end of treatment. but here we are. thanks for all of the support about this blog. i really, really appreciate it. it has allowed me to share things with you that i would not have otherwise - as much as i wish that it would, time would not have let me have 100 conversations with you to tell you all that i have told you by now. i know that i am more healed today for sharing my thoughts than i would otherwise be. for that i am so grateful. you read that words i write. for that i am so grateful.

"hold on to what is good, even if it's a handful for earth. hold on to what you believe, even if it's a tree that stands by itself. hold on to what you must do, even if it's a long way from here. hold on to my hand, even if someday i'll be gone away from you." (pueblo indian prayer)

this weekend was a mix of emotions. quality time with some of my favorite peeps, and down time at home playing match games with malena and barrett. perfect balance. but st. patricks day is always melancholy for me. at least it has been since my grandma josephine passed away on st. patricks day in 2002. i miss her every day. but on st. patrick's day my heart is much heavier. i so wish that malena could have held on to her hand.

i had a brutal nightmare early this morning. i woke up out of the nightmare and it took me a few seconds to realize that it was a nightmare. i was so tired all day from coming right out of that nightmare into the start of the day.

on friday, there was a blog update from melanoma mom and i always read every word she writes. i could very much identify with these words:

"melanoma is a crazy beast who attacks when and where she wants, oblivious to whom she is hurting, blind to the physical and emotional suffering of her captives. she doesn’t care what you want. she is not worried about your nightmares, the constant pit of dread contained in the belly of your family, or if your child will celebrate his high school graduation with both of his parents.  it seems that the difference between who she defeats and who is able to defeat her is almost entirely random."

and these ones...

"now that i am getting better, people keep telling me how great it is that i can get back to normal. i appreciate the sentiment, but the thing is there is no longer a normal and i can never go back. just like you can never go home again and you can’t step in the same river twice, you cannot look death in the face and then pretend you didn’t see it. you can go forward, but you cannot go back. so my new challenge is to figure out who this survivor is and how she is going to live up to all of the amazing gifts she’s been given."

and these ones...

"along this journey i have been extremely lucky to meet some of the strongest, bravest, most determined people i have ever met. i have met people who have been through much greater battles than mine and whose smiles outshine all others in the room. and the fact is treatment success is few and far between."

on friday, i also had a blog update on friday from william libby. his blog is william fighting cancer. although i have not ever met him in person, i consider him to be one of the strongest, bravest, most determined people i have ever met. i can tell that from the words that he writes. on the days that treatment kicked the side effects up a notch, i thought about him and his fight and immediately kicked my you-know-what into gear.

if you are sending good thoughts out into the world, please send some to both of them. also, send thoughts for my friend greta who will finish her interferon injections in july (greta, you are so close!).

another monday rolls around, no clue how that happened since it was just friday, but here we go.