Sunday, February 3, 2013

limbo land

i am not a big fan of not knowing what is going to come next. therefore, i am not a big fan of cancer because it seems like you never know what is going to come next. i feel like i am living in limbo land again. i hate it here.

i don't know that the surgeon will be confident that he can do the surgery and we can get the nodule out.

i don't know when surgery will be.

i don't know if i will need to stay in the hospital.

i don't know if i will have a long recovery time.

i don't know what the results will be.

i don't know if my stage III status will change to a stage IV prognosis.

i don't know what i will do if my status does change, the thought is so unbearable i can barely breathe when i think about it.
i don't know if barrett and i will be able to go on the vacation in two weeks that we have had planned since last fall.

i don't know what i will tell malena about my surgery and recovery.

i don't know if i have to stay in the hospital if i should have her come and see me.

i don't know how long i will need to be out of work, which makes planning to be out hard to do.

i don't know how to get the scary thoughts out of my head.

i don't know how much time i will want to take off from work to go through surgery, recovery, results, and give myself time after that to take it all in.

i don't know if i will ever get a good nights sleep again. i can barely remember what it feels like to sleep through the night. i don't have nightmares (the dreamcatcher is still working marcie-roo) but my mind is churning a million thoughts that keep me awake, and when i do sleep i have crazy dreams which wake me up.

i don't know from one minute to the next whether i will break out into tears or be able to keep my shit together when someone simply asks "how are you doing?" or tells me that they are thinking of me.

i don't know where i will be next sunday night at 9:43pm - one week from the time i am writing this post.

but, i do know some things.

i know that i am so very loved.

i know that i am incredibly grateful for all of the good vibes and support that are coming my way.

i know that i have the best friends and family a girl could ask for -- and even people that i have never met before -- supporting me from far and wide.

i know that i am a fighter.

i know that i will keep fighting no matter how these next couple of weeks go.

i know that i want more than anything i have ever wanted before for that nodule to be benign.

i know that it is ok to feel totally overwhelmed, exhausted, and like i could cry at any second.

i know that it is ok to cry. a lot.

i know that in the midst of all that i don't know, my life goes on and every moment is one i want to embrace.

i know that it is ok that i can't myself to read melanoma blogs too much lately.

i know that i just need to do what feels right in the moment. if ordering some new stamps i am drooling over makes me really upset because i can't get past the thought that i may not have time to really use them very much if those results aren't benign, i should stop beating myself up about it and know that i will order them when and if it feels right to me.

i know that i love hearing laughter surround me.

i know that i enjoy moments when i realize that i haven't thought about cancer for a few minutes - or maybe even a whole hour of the day if i am lucky.

i know that i will keep breathing. in and out.
i know that i am tougher than cancer.

i know that i want to see my little girl grow up.

i know that i want her to always have her mom around (even in those teen years when she will likely not want me around as much).

i know that i want to grow old with my husband.

i know that i want a million more moments with family and friends.

i know that i can do this.

i know that anywhere i go you go.


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