Thursday, February 9, 2012

time out

it may seem obvious that i have been taking a blog time out. not necessarily intentionally, i just haven't felt up to writing much lately.

i think that i am in a little bit of a new normal slump. the side effects are gone. so i should be back in the swing of things, right? it just doesn't seem to be working out that way.

not sure how to explain this in a way that actually makes sense, as i can't really put my finger on it even for myself.

but here is what i do know.

i feel like i am not the same person that i was a year and a half ago but am resuming the life that person had.
i still have nightmares and weird dreams. every.single.night.
i am so tired. all the time.
it feels odd to get back into (previous) normal routines.
feels a bit like fitting a round peg into a square hole.
i really, really hate looking at my scars every day.
i do not like my hair.
i struggle to get my groove back to exercise. that bothers me. a lot.
i don't have very much motivation.
i feel disappointed (but know that i shouldn't) in myself that i haven't bounced back faster.
i feel guilty, when i am upset, as there are so many others with cancer that have more scars (emotional and physical) than what i had to endure. i should just buck up.
i feel lucky (and guilty) that i am still here, and am simultaneously overwhelmed by the feeling of needing to embrace every second.
i feel an expectation to move on from cancer, that i already should have, since treatment ended five months ago.

on and on and on....

i am going to take some time off from this blog for a little bit. atleast for a week or so, maybe longer. maybe i will decide to not do this at all anymore. i have really loved it and it has been so good for me. so i am torn about what to do - or not do - next. i will let you know either way.

take good care peeps, i will be in touch soon. xo.


  1. Take care of yourself. In a short 4 weeks from Sunday, we will be going to daylight savings time. More daylight always makes me feel better.

  2. Alli: I'm working on a package for you...until then-

    "Your heart is the size of an ocean. Go find yourself in its hidden depths!" -Rumi

  3. You captured how I feel right now. I am in Month 7 of treatment. I was hoping within 2 weeks of my completion of treatments (July 11th), I would be back to my old self! Guess not. More mountains to climb even afterwards. That Interferon really zaps you. Thanks for caputuring my exact sentiments in your post! - Greta (Wallace's wife).