Saturday, September 24, 2011


treading water. that is what i feel like i am doing these days. not sure how to move forward, so staying in place until i figure it out. but you can only tread water for so long before you have to get back in motion. this time post-treatment has continued to be tough on me as the treatments are done, some side effects remain (super nauseas again this morning, and couldn't put my heels down on the floor at first because my muscles ached so bad), i am not focused on a specific goal like reaching the last shot, i am very emotional...the list goes on. there was a long list of things that weren't or couldn't be focused on in the last year for different reasons that are now constantly on my mind - like, do we try to get pregnant again and think through the reality of what that now means (like missing scans while my recurrence rate is high). in the last year, i have had to be taken care of, i am way better at being the one taking care of those i love. i have had conversations i never thought i would with barrett and neither of us are the same, how could we be considering the things that we never planned to or wanted to talk about but became a necessary reality. the things that aren't said out loud but are heard. the care-giving and the care-taking. it all adds up. but it all gets back to the vows i wrote about earlier this week, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad. looking forward to the health and good times. i will start to tackle that list but am going to give myself patience to check things off of it when i feel like it. that is a tough expectation to put my on myself because i want things checked off asap and giving myself time is not one of my strongest qualities. i know that. i am working on it - now more than ever. so i think that i am going to just let myself tread for a while longer, i am happy just to be here - the rest will come. i am a strong swimmer, so time is on my side.

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