the papers and round 16

"don't let your sorrows come higher than your knees"

(swedish proverb)

well we read the stack of clinical trial papers tonight. i put it off as long as i could. intentionally.

it was overwhelming.

i am not going to go into the details because i don't want to look at them again tonight or really think through the details anymore than i have already had to.

i can tell you that i have heard the term "progressive melanoma" used when referring to me more times than i would like in the last two weeks.

i do take comfort in that this trial is research that will hopefully benefit future patients, although i wish that i didn't need to do this, someone did it for me when the FDA was trying to approve the current drugs i am on. if patients don't participate in trials, new medicines aren't tested and can't get approved. but it is hard nonetheless.

so on this day that we celebrated my girls birthday early with her friends and laughed through the afternoon, the day ended with me feeling liking i was carrying the joy of that in one hand and the shit of everything else we are going through in the other. both hands felt more than full.

i am not going to lie. i don't feel like picking up the boxing gloves yet. i am too scared and too sad. but i will soon.

so tomorrow will be bloodwork, ekg, more bloodwork, infusion and who knows what else. we will see what the day brings. hopefully my insurance has cleared for everything to go forward.

i thank you for all of the good thoughts for me.

please also continue to send thoughts and prayers to greta and wallace in new jersey as she continues her fight in their home with help from hospice.

anywhere i fight, you fight.

tomorrow another chapter in this fight begins.

let's hope it is a good one.

xoxo