next steps

"those who can truly be accounted brave are those who best know the meaning

of what is sweet in life

and what is terrible,

and then go out,

undeterred,

to meet what is to come."

(pericles)

i am not yet undeterred in this round but i love that quote.

the doctors office called today.

it looks like i will qualify for the clinical study that my oncologist wanted me to get in.

because it will be too dangerous to take the lung biopsy, they will waive that.

i will have to read through the stack of papers this week, and next monday, formally give my consent to participate in the study.

i will be part of research.

hopefully that benefits me directly. if not, it will hopefully help the doctors to benefit patients to come in the future to fight this cancer. that is an overwhelming feeling that truly hit me when they called today and were talking me through what is to come after i sign consent to be a research patient.

bloodwork, heart ekg, etc. the tests that will establish my baseline as a patient in their research study. those all come next monday.

i am not sure when i will be able to bring myself to read those papers, but it will happen before monday. 

it has to.

monday will be a long day. i will have my normal bloodwork and infusion. i will have all the tests they need me to have for the study. i have to meet with the clinical team. they expect i will start the drugs for the study during my next infusion.

but that all depends on if insurance will approve it. keep your fingers crossed on that.

so today was a bit of a rough day. i got the call during a meeting, and i know the numbers that are from scca by heart by now. so i excused myself to take the call, finished the call, took a couple of deep breaths and went back into my meeting because there were decisions to be made. 

and so it goes.

decisions to made. one after another. life keeps moving.

so that is the latest. 

i still don't know what to say, so if you haven't figured it out either, we are still even.

i can tell you that i am scared shitless. i am very anxious. i am worried. i am thankful i qualify. i am worried insurance won't come through. did i already cover being scared shitless?

i found this print (and you should check out their others and the rails that go with them because they have so many great ones - but you can get just the prints too) and i got it to sit by my bed. so i can read those words every morning and every night. 

and hope beyond hope they are true.

it is time for goodnight for me, i hope that the nightmares give me a break tonight - they have been absolutely ruthless. good morning to you, because most of you will read this when it posts in the morning.

have a good tuesday - do something to treat yourself, you deserve it.

november  7th, 2017 will only come around once in your life.

make the best of it. xoxo