i don't know what to say either

"we've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen"

(d.h. lawrence)

i don't know what to say either. 

so it is ok if you don't know what to say.

we can be speechless together and feel like we are on equal ground.

honestly, i still think that we are still in shock about the news that came on monday.

it was the worst case, and while i always know it could come, i hope so hard that it doesn't that when it does i feel totally blindsided and devastated.

we didn't hear back this week on which of the two (or both) clinical studies i may qualify for. and that is ok. i don't think that i could have taken any more news this week. i expect that we will hear more this week. we have two huge stacks of paperwork to go through regarding the trials and consent and what i will need to go through (scans, lung biopsy which my oncologist looked me in the eye and said "will not be fun for you") before treatment starts if i qualify.

i don't know what to do next. what i do know is that i can't sit still.

at times, i feel like i want to get into a little ball and cry and stay in bed.

and maybe one of these days i will. 

but in the meantime, as the quote says, we've got to live. 

shitty, shitty news doesn't stop the clock from ticking and life from moving on. i wish that it did. if you know the magic on how to make that happen, let me know.

so this week after we got the news i lived: we carved pumpkins just like our annual tradition the night before halloween (which was the day we got results - the adults in our family now call this "putting our happy faces on" which means bad news has come but barrett and i haven't had a chance to share that with malena yet), we celebrated my mom's 75th birthday, we went to malena's halloween party at school, we went trick or treating and the adults drank hot cocoa with peppermint schnapps which was so good (highly recommend - my friend halli is the master bartender of those), barrett and i had dinner out at one of our new favorite restaurants, we took malena to the museum that talks about the bored tunnel project i worked on in seattle before the museum closes - we wanted her to learn all about this important project her mom worked on for so many years (which reminds me that i need to tell her that her name is written on the inside of one of the tunnel rings which i got to do as construction started), we ate thai food and watched project runway with my parents, we had girl time at a holiday bazaar getting christmas presents, along with my cousin, niece and sis-in-law (you all know kim) - barrett and i went to see garth brooks in concert and it was AMAZING (all caps so you know that it was just that good, go see him if you can and you like his music), my mom and i went and did a christmas blitz of shopping and hit target early so that we could shop the new magnolia collection which was AMAZING (see above description), we watched snow fall all day at our house, we ordered malena's birthday cake (my girl will be 9 soon, i have no clue how this is happening), and we had some tickle fights and we laughed. i also cried when garth sang 'the dance' and there was no way i was getting through the words "i could have missed the pain, but i'd have had to miss the dance" without tears streaming down my face. that was a given before we even walked into the arena.

so we lived.

i have not been able to respond to all the messages from this week, in part, because i don't know what to say. but i will respond. i haven't been able to acknowledge the mail that i got this week, but i will. i just need a little time to get my feet under me again. but please know that i got the messages and mail, and i so appreciate it.

i definitely feel like i have put the boxing gloves down for a bit, i need some time because i feel like i just got knocked out.

as i have said many times before, no parent should have to talk to their kids about cancer and tumors and treatments and clinical trials. ever. but when you have to, you do - and you wonder why life is so cruel and cancer has to be part of your kids life at all. and you know you will never know the answer to that, but you can only hope that your honesty and sharing makes her feel that she knows what is going on in her family. and she does. and she always will. that is a promise barrett and i made to ourselves and to her without her knowing it. one of the hardest promises i have ever had to make, a necessary one, but one that i wish i never had to fulfill.

i know this knockout isn't for good, and i will at some point soon have to get those gloves back on and get in my corner of the ring to fight yet again.

and i will fight again.

my girl turns 9 this month.

there is simply no other choice.

that much i can say.

thanks for all the support and love, we could not do this without knowing that we have so many supporting us. xoxo