weekender

"remember forward movement.

forward is the way of trust.

forward is the way of forgiveness.

forward is the way of action.

forward is the way of healing.

forward is essentially life."

(victoria erickson)

the weekend was a good one.

camp outs.

a long walk with a good friend catching up on life.

picking up 60o+ boxes of girl scout cookies. yes, 600+. good thing i can't eat thin mints or we could have had a major problem.

seeing the movie "the reverent" while eating popcorn and drinking green tea. while sitting next to one of my favorite people. excellent combination. that movie has to be one of the most visually beautiful movies ever made. just wow. if you have seen that movie, you have no doubt as to why leo just won the oscar for that performance. amazing. i will never forget that movie.

speaking of the oscars, i also did some daydreaming about the day that my friend jen wins for best actress. she is already the best actress living in cali, the awards shows just haven't caught up to that yet. but they will, and i will be here rooting for her until that day comes and she walks up to get that golden statue.

swim lessons.

time in our craft room.

reading books with my girl. reading my book. loved both.

sleep on saturday night, it basically avoided me on friday night.

diving into cookbooks and coming up with new recipes to try this week.

getting back on my elliptical, can't quite get my full arm movement yet but it will come.

watched the video of kelly clarkson singing "piece by piece" on american idol. that might be one of the most moving performances i have ever seen.

listened to this version (which is now my favorite version) of "girls just want to have fun" on my phone while driving around this weekend

ate my favorite fajitas for breakfast (yep, fajitas at 10am is totally doable) this morning. yum.

a good weekend. i am sorry to see it go. but this week holds fun things (minus everything associated with work).

so like the quote says, forward i go.

the shit and the joy

today was full of both.

the kind where you hear "hi mama" accompanied by a smile when you first see her in the morning.

the kind where you get into the office, realize you left the remaining green tea you had in the car, and decide you are too tired to go back out to the parking garage to get it. yep, that kind of morning.

the kind where your strawberries in your lunch are so good that you wish that you had an entire container of them to eat.

the kind where the work day is insane and you kind of just want to want to slowly walk out of the office, call it a day, and see how far you get before some texts/calls/emails you because you didn't show up for a meeting. and how you would ignore that text/call/email because otherwise your plan wouldn't have really worked out.

the kind where your kid had a hard day at school and there are tears, and more tears, and more tears. sometimes parenting is straight up heartbreaking and leaves you hoping that you said the right thing, that you brought them the comfort they needed, and that you are doing right by them with your words. 7 years in and there are times that i am so clearly reminded that parenting her will stretch me in ways i could never have imagined and that i am learning how to do this every single day. and i will continue to learn every single day. no doubt about it. and i kind of love that.

the kind where you get a text from your friend that makes you laugh out loud and you instantly thank your lucky, lucky stars you get to walk through life with them.

the kind where someone on tv mentions the band "the cranberries" and that leads to you telling your daughter how you used to go their concerts (meg -- i know you are right there with me on this one;)), and then you are both listening to the chorus of some of their best songs.  because on a day when you are learning from her, you get to teach her about music you love. perfect trade. man i hope that she always loves to listen to music, and more importantly, that she always loves to sing along (and outloud).

the kind where you open your mailbox and see some happy mail and not just cancer bills.

the kind where you listen to podcasts and get super inspired about chasing your dreams. and maybe opening an etsy shop selling your cards. and then opening your own brick and mortar store. and then basically ruling the card business world and getting a snail mail revolution to happen. just maybe.

the kind where you have got her excited about going to your favorite resort and ice skating, and you call for reservations, and they tell you that ice skating is on a day to day basis and you won't know if you can skate until you get there. and let's be clear, having a 7 year old be super excited about something that then doesn't happen isn't really awesome for anyone (especially when cold ciders still don't really sound too good to mom).

the kind where you remember a plumbing story about your dad from when you are a kid and you can't stop laughing. can't stop. and there are tears from the laughing.

the kind where you wait all day to get outside and go for a walk while your kiddo is in an appointment and as soon as you get your shoes on, the rains starts to pound. and you are in your work clothes because you haven't gone home yet. and you don't have an umbrella. and it hasn't rained at all prior to that exact time. thank you weather fates, that was awesome (in opposite land).

the kind where you decide at 7pm that everyone is tired, it has been a little bit rough all the way around, and you all get in your pjs, curl up under your favorite blankets, eat cadbury mini eggs (jill p - i know you are hearing me on that;), and watch american idol (which reminds you yet again how excited you are for the voice to start on monday).

the kind where you have a great conversation with a woman who you work with, but don't know well, about your recovery and her dad's fight at 93 to oversome health issues, and you are reminded of how everyone carries something with them through their days that is not  visible to the eye.

the kind where you are typing this blog and see news that someone you know got clear results on their melanoma scans today. love that kind of news, it is the very best.

the kind where you are going to head for bed and feel like the day was full of shit and joy.

the kind where you feel super thankful for the day.

because it was a day.

and you got another one.

and that is everything.

currently

+++ watching "blacklist" as i type this (love this show, even though it makes me a nervous wreck most all of the time;))

+++ encouraged by a good plan i have in place with my nutritionist and my naturopath. my bloodwork showed that some of my vitamin levels are really low, which may be contributing to why i am so tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired all of the time. so we are boosting those up and hoping that my energy kicks up a bit too.

+++ loving the pictures from the weekend. my sister (aka nerd) was in town this weekend and we played tourists and took malena to a couple places for the first time -- pike place market, the gum wall, the pig at the market, to watch the flying fish, etc. oh, and a carriage ride. it is always so fun to see things through her eyes for the first time.

+++ finding my way through this "in between" time when it is post-surgery, still finding my way through recovery, and feeling like scans are not that far away again. definitely feeling the ebb and flow of all the corresponding emotions.

+++ excited to try some new recipes from some cookbooks. definitely looking forward to changing up some regular veggies with this book.

+++ looking forward to "the voice"coming back on next week. i am such a sucker for that show.

+++ waiting for the time change to come so that i can get in some walking after work without it being dark. i usually am not a fun of losing an hour of sleep (because man it is precious these days) but for more daylight i am totally in.

+++ i really loved this post about family pictures, and especially these words:

"for all the pretty pictures i share–that anyone shares–there are accompanying stories. it’s easy to believe that those stories are all glossy and perfect and cozy, but i know better than to assume that. in fact, part of what i love about following friends even with the most breathtaking photos where life seems nothing but light-filled scenes of dreams–is knowing that those moments are earned through unseen moments of really hard work. there are so many stories we don’t share–stories of humor and heartache and beauty and joy and messing up and fixing it and hoping and trying and love…lots of hard work.  that’s the real beauty of family."

happy wednesday all. hump day is here. i for one am happy about being in the middle. how about you?

back to the grind

things have been quiet here for a little over a week.

which has been totally unplanned.

i have missed writing.

but between trying to rest as much as possible before going back to work, and then starting back to work on monday, i just haven't been able to get back to this space.

i have been really (understatement) tired this week, going to back to a full time schedule is a tough transition.

but i am just taking it day by day, and honestly, hour by hour.

so definitely more to come soon, i will get my blog mojo back.

hope that you all have a great weekend, do something that makes you happy. xo

currently

currently ---

+++ feeling really, really tired each day (some lack of sleep isn't helping that) so laying low and trying to get as much rest as possible.

+++ not looking forward to going back to work next week, makes me more tired than i already am just thinking about it.

+++ making a game plan with my nutritionist and my naturopath for moving forward with what i will focus on for eating, supplements, exercise, detoxing, etc.

+++ looking forward to some fun things to come this week including a valentine's party for malena and my dad's birthday.

+++ thankful that barrett and i got to take a quick one day trip to our favorite spot by the water. we got to just relax the entire time, play some games (because i write this i will note that i won two of the games we played, because i write this i don't have to note how many games he won), read, eat some good food. super low key (which is about the max level i am at these days regardless) and it was nice to just catch our breath for a bit. the picture above is right before we made our wish and skipped the stone into the water like we do every time we are there. that waters now holds so many of our wishes.

+++ trying to get outside each day for a walk, the fresh air does make me feel better. thankful for the gorgeous weather that we have had these last couple of days.

+++ still making my way through tiny beautiful things and loving it. also listening to the "dear sugar" podcast on my walks and loving that as well. would love to see cheryl strayed in person someday so putting that on my future to do list.

+++ thinking about my february to do list. might work on that later today in fact, even though we are already 9 days into the month, sometimes you just have to start.

+++ drinking my favorite green tea at starbucks while i write this post because it is one of my favorite places to be if i need to spend some time in front of my laptop.

+++ thinking about how i want to focus my time when i go back to work to keep my priorities as my priorities and not let the craziness of my busy work life interfere with those.

+++ looking forward to some trips that we have planned later this year, i love having fun things to look forward to (even when we have to pay for travel insurance just in case i can't go since the trips all fall after my next scans).

+++ just taking it one day at a time.

+++ incredibly thankful for all of the ongoing love and support.

ps) to the wonderful human being who sent me the gorgeous "fight" necklace a few weeks ago, thank you so much. it is amazing and i love it. it didn't come with a note so i have no idea who sent it to me, but i know that you must read this blog if you knew that was my word of the year. thank you. xoxo

world cancer day

today is world cancer day.

melanoma is the deadliest form of skin cancer.

it is also one of the fastest rising cancers, tripling in incidence in the past 30 years.

you can prevent melanoma, and i hope with everything that i have that you do.

protect your skin in the sun with hats, sunglasses, long clothing, sunscreen and shade.

do not use indoor tanning equipment.

have your skin checked by a dermatologist.

check your skin regularly and go to the doctor if you see any changes.

protect the skin you are in, and if you are a parent, do what you can to protect your kids.

doesn't seem like there is anything more important than this to say today.

next steps

we have determined next steps with my oncologist.

we will do scans on april 6th, get the results of the scans also on april 6th, and determine how we will move forward. that will be a really long day as i will have scans by mid-day and will then have to hang out until my appointment later in the day. good that it will all happen during the same day, bad that i will feel like hell after the scans and have to wait it out until my appointment. but that won't be even close to worse than anything else i have been through.

since my body scans in december did not show any other cancer, and we got it out from my lungs, then this will give us a three month look since surgery to determine if there is anything new to worry about (let's hope not). then we can determine next steps. maybe we will do treatment if my oncologist thinks we may see some longer term benefits. maybe we won't. i am not going to spend too much time thinking through all of that right now as i am still focused on recovering from surgery and feel like i still have quite a ways to go.

i have gone off the pain meds to try and alleviate the word-i-won't-write-about. it has got to the point where i would rather feel the pain that the other option. i have yet to have a day where i have felt good throughout the day, and for some reason, the afternoon seems to be the witching hour for when i start to really not feel good.

my energy level is at zero. it is probably actually in the negatives. if i leave the house to do anything (and let's be clear, the only thing i leave the house to do is ride somewhere and walk around a bit - no skydiving or trapeze lessons for me) i am absolutely wiped out. i am not sure how i am going to make it through a work day when i go back, but i will just take that as it comes.

also, this is random, but i will consider this a public service announcement. if you know someone that is recovering from a surgery, be careful when you go to hug them. yesterday at a meeting for one of malena's activities a mom came up behind me and with no warning gave me a huge hug and squeezed me so hard i almost dropped to my knees. i am sure that she was not even thinking about what she was actually doing, but damn, that really hurt.

so i am laying low these days, not doing much at all. i haven't been able to kick the insomnia but it is getting a little better, i am now getting about 4-5 hours of sleep which is awesome compared to where i was last week at about 2 hours if i was lucky.

i hope that you all had good weekends and that your weeks are off to a good start, and maybe include some skydiving or trapeze lessons;)