Tuesday, December 1, 2015

wednesday

so here i go.

12 hours of fasting.

only water.

check-in.

getting pumped with radioactive fluid for an hour.

and with my luck, probably more than one try to get the iv in my arm.

being in the room solo because i am radioactive.

moving tiny bit by tiny bit in a small machine so that every inch of my body is scanned.

feeling like hell afterwards.

not being able to be close to my daughter tomorrow because i will be radioactive.

pretty sure that there a million other ways i would rather spend a wednesday.

but on this wednesday, this is what i will be doing.

my friend sent me a card last week in which she wrote "i know you are tired of fighting".

that is so true. she was so right.

i am tired. really tired.

it has been five and a half years since i got that first call.

not a day has gone by since that i haven't been in treatment, surgery, physical recovery, or dealing with the emotional toll that comes from thinking about your own mortality every single day.

since we got this latest news, i have felt like i have been walking around the outside of the boxing ring. knowing i am going to have to go in. knowing i am going to have to pick up the gloves. knowing i am going to have to go some more rounds. knowing i am going to have to get my emotional and physical strength up. knowing i have to step into the damn ring again.

i am not going to lie. this time is worse. if i go into surgery, i know the exact hell it is going to be, i know what the pain will be like. for me, knowing is worse.

but tonight, i just have to ready myself to pick up the gloves in the morning. to climb back in the ring. to put the gloves on. to get back in the fight.

please send your prayers and love to beth tomorrow as she heads in for her scans. her and i were just texting each other about our days tomorrow, i so wish that we would have no need to trade texts about the times we are heading in for scans. but we do and so we root for and support each other.

thank you for rooting for us too.

anywhere i go, you go. xo

2 comments:

  1. We are thinking of you and sending good mojo your way

    ReplyDelete
  2. My money is on you in that ring. All good mojo your way.

    ReplyDelete