the speaking

"and the speaking will get easier and easier. and you will find you have fallen in love with your own vision, which you may never have realized you had. and you will lose some friends and lovers, and realize you don't miss them. and new ones will find you and cherish you...and at last you'll know with surpassing certainty that only one thing is more frightening that speaking your truth. and that is not speaking."

(audre lorde)

 

and so here we are again.

 

scan day.

 

the day i dread second to results day.

 

you all know the drill, you know how i feel about tomorrow (or today if you are reading this on monday).

 

so not much to say that you don't already know.

 

i hate it.

 

i don't want to do it.

 

i know i am going to feel like hell tomorrow night.

 

i am scared shitless for tuesday.

 

i feel like i could cry through the next two days and never be without tears.

 

i am so angry and bitter that i have to do this.

 

i want this to all go away.

 

i wonder how my three months off went so quickly. oh, now i remember, i filled every second of the them with living my life (smart planning on my part;)). take that melanoma.

 

so not much to say that you don't already know.

 

i am surrounded by love.

 

i have awesome friends and family.

 

i have a ton of people pulling for me.

 

i can feel all of the good vibes, mojo, and prayers coming my way.

 

so not much to say that you don't already know.

 

anywhere i go, you go.

 

i wish more than anything that we weren't going where we have to go the next two days.

 

but i appreciate you coming along for the ride regardless.

 

here we go. again. dammit. xoxo