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this post has been brewing for a long time, but i haven't felt up to writing it. i am not sure that i feel like it tonight either, but honestly, i think that getting it out will make me feel lighter. feeling lighter is a good thing this week. right? right. ok, here we go.

when barrett and i bought our house, we didn't realize that it fell just within the wrong side of a district boundary. we didn't realize that when we had a kid and they were ready to start elementary school, they would have to be on a bus for about two hours a day. two hours on a bus instead of a less than one mile drive to the elementary school that is right by our house. those imaginary lines can have huge implications.

so, as malena has grown, we have gone back and forth. do we move? do we buy a property within the district? do we go for a boundary exemption? how do we remedy this problem that we wish that we never would have got ourselves (unintentionally) into.

it has been nagging at me for the last couple of years, and i wanted a clear plan to be in place when she started school. specifically, i wanted that plan to include her going to school within the district that we wanted - but i wasn't sure which option we would/could choose to make that happen.

after i was originally diagnosed, it nagged at me even more.

since february, it has been like a gong booming loudly in my head on a near constant rotation.

here is why.

if the cards don't play in our favor and a day comes they are on their own without me, there are some important things i would want.

i would want them to be settled.

i would want them to be where can stay and continue to grow.

most importantly, i would want them to be where they have memories with me. the thought of them ever someplace where i have not been with them is heartbreaking (like i think i can literally hear my heart cracking when i think about it) for me. so the thought of moving has weighed heavily on me because i feel like we should do that now if we are going to pick that option (which is obviously complicated and overwhelming).

barrett and i have talked about it. you can put that conversation in the "tough" category. one of those conversations you should be thankful you never have to have if you are lucky enough to be healthy. we finally took the step (after a few deep breaths) to meet with our mortgage guru to talk about options. i am still a little bit in shock that i was not a complete puddle of tears in her office. not one kleenex used. pretty amazing if i do say so myself - and of course i do;)

so no decision has been made. yet. but soon we will decide how we want to go forward. what our plan is going to be.

i try hard to not think about all of this too often. but i do spend time thinking about it. that is just part of my reality. i don't know how any mom wouldn't if she was in my same shoes. you want everyone to be taken care of. always. regardless of the circumstances. this circumstance just happens to be the worst one to have to consider.

so the thoughts come, i give them their time.

then i quietly send them on their way.

send them on to their own home for awhile.

so that they get the hell out of mine.