patterns

it is interesting even for me to follow the patterns i have subconciously created around scan time.

the week before i am anxious, cry at the drop of a hat, have extremely low patience (aka get irritated very, very easily), scattered, tired exhausted,  etc.

i also have this overwhelming feeling like i need to get a million things done but i don't have the energy to do them. i can't sit still, but i don't know what to do next.

whew, the weeks leading into scans are rough and tough.

i make mental lists of all of the things that i want to do if my scans come back clean. what i want to put on my three month list until the next scans come around. i don't share the list, i don't talk about the list - similar to celebrating good news, i feel like sharing the list of things i will do will cause the cancer fates to punish me. so, i quietly build the list, and hope against hope, it gets to come true.

i ask, over and over again, for the scans to come back clean. i make deals with the fates. i beg for more time.

i carve out as much time with barrett and malena as possible. i focus on fun time.

tonight is a good example.

gymnastics.

dinner at chicken robin.

frozen yogurt for barrett and malena.

watching malena play in the fountains.

rolling up my work pants and joining her. saying yes to the moment and playing and laughing and splashing. watching other parents look at me like "what is that woman doing in the fountain?" smiling to myself that i know a little secret they apparently do not. getting up and in the water with your kid is a thousand times more fun than sitting on the bench watching them play without you.

getting home and eating some leftover birthday cake. yum.

this time next week i will be feeling like total shit from the contrast i have to drink. i will have been on the couch for a couple of hours feeling like hell. i dread that feeling.

in some ways i just want it to be over with, i want to know. in other ways, i want this week to last forever because i don't want to know if it isn't good news.

wanting time to either move faster or slower depending on the moment.

but monday at 3pm will come regardless. i will have a needle in my arm. i will get an iv put in. i will have my blood drawn. will taste saline. i will drink the contrast. i will get sick to my stomach. i will lay on the ct table and listen to the machine tell me "breathe in, hold your breath, breathe out". i hate that electronic voice. i will see the irritating ceiling tiles that i wish i was tall enough to rip out myself. you know i would if i could and it wouldn't get me kicked out so i couldn't see my doc anymore;) i will feel my body warm all over when they shoot the contrast straight into my iv for the final part of the scan. i will wait the 30 minutes afterwards to ensure that i don't have a reaction. i will do it all as i have so many times before.

i will wait for 4:30 on tuesday to come when the doc tells us the results. i will hope with everything that i have that when he opens that door and looks at us that it is good news.

i will hope. i will hope. i will hope.

i will do all of these things. i simply have no choice. it is all part of the fight.

i hate this fight. more than you could ever imagine. i am sick and tired of fighting. i am pissed off that i have to fight.

but the hate just fuels the fire for the fight.

so i will carry on, and i will fight. even through the tough weeks like this one. i will keep going and keep breathing.

i refuse to do anything else.

f*&# cancer.